I'm sorry I haven't updated in a week and that the diary has been locked. As noted in my profile, it was due to someone's immaturity and unwillingness to let go. If this makes no sense to you, read my summer entries, as it's the same fucking thing over again. I'm pissed off about it because it wasn't right to make a public spectacle about it, things like that should be kept between the people involved and not an entire Instrumental Workshop class. Thanks for making things more uncomfortable than usual. :p
I got up and left, leaving Nora there and dropping my coat. All I could think was "I don't give a shit if someone steals this or not.". I ended up on the floor of the guidance office, asking to be shot in the head so I could die. I slammed my wrist down on the table and threw some salt down. I also started talking in the third person. Yelling about how I would never have friends or be loved, that no one would ever come to my defensive or support me on anything.
I ended up taking a walk with the principal, who is cheery despite losing his job, at least more cheery than I am. It's weird how he just lets people do what they want, I think about ten kids got to do a bunch of things that many of the other principals wouldn't even allowed you to think about. I honestly want to say that I'm glad I won't be there next year, because I know that whoever they pick will be VERY strict a million times over.
I sat outside with this girl who knew the person in question. She came up to me and I was honestly scared of her at first but she was really nice. I have to say that she was probably the opposite of me, she had red hair, the kind that you get when you use the hair color at Hot Topic. She wore a great deal of black and had scars all over her arms. She kept asking random people for cigarettes. I thought she was cool in a weird way though. I was there until lunch, when I sat in the guidance office for a few minutes and then sat with everyone. I was crying though, because I just was really mad.
I called my Dad on the principal's cell phone, because mine was in my car, which FINALLY got fixed. It turns out that someone damaged the front end before I did, and it was repainted a different tint from the original color and made to blend in with the rest of the body. Even the bumper that cracked was an after market one, and the back part of the body, the Vento part, might even be fake as well. It's sad to think Nigel isn't special, just cleaned up after a bad accident to look different from other Jettas. I talked to my Dad about how mad I was that no one will defend me, because I know that there is going to a fucking gang after me now and that my supposed "friends" are going to be "impartial" and end up ignoring me like over the summer. This time though, even Carbon won't hang out with me, though I can't say I did anything to her.
I'm mad that after years of hard work I have gotten the equivalent of nowhere, though I thank whatever power controls this universe that I'm not going to CCRI with most of the idiots from my school. I just feel like I deserve to have good friends, or a job or at least a guy who will hang out with me and stand by me. I don't care much about love anymore, I've given up on that. My friggin anxiety seems to ruin everything. I know Parmesan knows that I'm crazy, but this shit only makes me look worse. I've been sick ever since, too. What really pisses me off is, I think that the fucking bitch planned it. Ever hear of the First Amendment, or can you not read it?
I'm just really mad at the way things have been. Everyone was supposed to show up at five thirty and only Dancer and her date did. Hydrogen and her friend told us they weren't going, and then did. They took all the time in the world to fill out the picture forms and get to the table. Then, they made us wait at Denny's for them for almost twenty minutes until we told them the limo was going to leave soon and we had to eat. I didn't eat because Denny's sucks and the word "snack" doesn't exist in their vocabulary. I honestly don't like their French Toast very much and that's the only thing that comes in a decent portion. :(
Of course, Perscocho was his usual stupid self. He didn't even show up until around the time Hydrogen and her friend did. It was really irratating and he didn't get me flowers or anything. Next time, I'm buying them myself and I want some for graduation, not a ton, just some roses to put in my room because my lillies won't bloom until at least July.
I was sick today so I slept for a while, but I can't seem to sleep well. I don't feel like working out, but I probably will and then play guitar, I even played it last night. I love my guitar and I'm just not good enough right now to stop practicing, even if it's just for a night. Right now, I have to work on my newspaper chair, work out and then practice the clarinet and guitar to the Chappelle's Show marathon that is on Comedy Central right now. Bye!
*Racecar*
<< Saturday, May. 08, 2004@9:15 p.m.>>