This is my essay that I wrote for English class, though I'm not sure if I should use it or not. I might use my college admission essay instead, because I thought that was okay. I tried to write one about how everyone tries to look cool in today's society and while I'll probably use that as an entry idea over the weekend when I'm bored, I couldn't properly fit it into five paragraphs. So, I decided to write about how I hate writing to just get it off my chest. It's not the diary entry writing I am talking about, though sometimes that is annoying, too. It's just that some entries just get hard for me to write or I am depressed when I write them. I'll write a regular entry soon. For now, read this and let me know what you think of it. If you don't think I should use it, say so. Be aware that I'll probably use this diary for some writing critiques throughout the semester, so if you don't like reading my essays, just say so and I'll specially mark them or something.
The strangest thing that I notice about myself is the fact that I cannot write for the life of me. All through high school I got good grades in my English classes and my teachers told me that I was a good writer. Even in middle school, I used to write stories
and read them to my peers, who seemed to really like them. Yet, I have never considered myself to be a good writer in any way and I could probably write a book on why I am not a good writer. First of all, I can never seem to find anything to write about and am in a constant state of writer's block. I do not think I could ever become a writer because of this, it seems like I have not written a story or any type of essay on my own since freshman year of high school. Secondly, I always feel the need to have someone there pushing me to write, by giving me a due date or telling me what to write and how to write it, usually all three. Finally, I do not really enjoy writing because it seems like it takes so much work for me to actually do, not because my grammar is really bad, but because my head is empty when it comes to ideas. Overall, I do not consider myself to be a really original writer in any way, so I do not think that anyone would lose anything from me not writing.
I have always had a hard time trying to find stuff to write about, hence this essay. Every time I think of something on my own, I can not seem to come up with anything and actually put it into the five paragraph format that I was taught to write essays in. Even when I do outlines and such, I feel that I do not have enough material to write about and I feel like the use of a form kills my ideas. I can write rants and such, but anyone can do that, so I feel like I am not really any good. Even right now, I feel like I am running out of things to write about. It is hard for me to come up with ideas to fit into the mold of an eight paragraph sentence and I do not think it is normal to feel boxed in by such standards, which is how I feel with the way I was taught to write in middle and high school. I actually count my sentences when I write paragraphs to make sure my ideas are long enough, and if not I just add stuff, but it always ends up feeling like filler that doesn't belong. Yet, it feels like I am breaking a law against writing and the English language if I do not make a paragraph eight sentences or more.
I am so used to having someone there for me to tell me what to write, always an English teacher or another teacher when I had to write papers for classes. I am so used to being fed a topic that I can not come up with stuff on my own. I am so used to being told what to put in each paragraph that I am not even sure I can think on my own when it comes to that anymore. They always told my classmates and I how to introduce our specific subjects and how to make outlines for our papers, but we always had a ready made topic or list of topics when we did this. They were always telling us pretty much what we needed to say and where we had to say it. I feel like I became too used to this kind of writing and just stopped writing on my own for lack of time to do it. They used to give us due dates for every single part of the paper that we had to write, with deadlines for outlines, notes and even our sources for a research paper. I worry that I was not helped by this, but only used it as a crutch and I have forgotten how to motivate myself to write, be creative with it and still work within certain confines.
I do not enjoy writing and I am not sure if it is because of the way that I was taught to do it in school or if it is because of my hard time with it. I know how to write properly, at least to a certain level, but I do not think that I can write creatively and make it interesting. I want to be able to learn to think of my own ideas and try to have fun with writing again, because I know I used to. I feel like because I am not very creative with my ideas and my thinking anymore, that I can not write well. I also do not think I enjoy writing because it seems like some people just want to pressure me into it and it makes me want to rebel. Mostly, I have a very hard time coming up with ideas and using specific structures, I do have ideas, but they do not fit into the five paragraph essay format that I was taught in school and would probably be fraught with fragment sentences and tiny paragraphs of only four sentences. I do not enjoy writing because it has become more work than fun for me and I feel like I spend too much of my time focusing on structure and not on my own ideas and properly developing them.
In the end, I am not sure how I will do in this class, though I do intend to work very hard and try my best, I do not think my writing is very good. I know that is why I am here, but I honestly feel it just keeps getting worse. I have no original ideas that can fit into these types of formats and that is what is expected of every student in pretty much every English class. I feel like I need somewhere to push me at all times and I know that that is not how a real writer probably works, as there is not always someone hanging over your head in life telling you what to do. I seem to need that to write, I need someone to basically tell me what to write, when to write it and how to write it. I do not think that I could ever write according to grammatical rules without someone like that. I do not think I will have a really hard time in this class, but I do not think that I am a good writer coming into it. I hope to be a better one coming out so I can write for fun again like I used to.
Bye!
*Racecar*
P.S.-Yes I am stealing entry titles from Seinfeld, I started doing it on my computer, too. The other Word files have names of Jets to Brazil songs and/or lyrics, that's how sad I am, but it's mostly because I listen to music when I write essays, this one included. :)
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