I haven't written in quite a while, which I don't have much of an explanation for. I actually wanted to write just so I could let people know what has been going on this past week or so.
Almost two weeks ago, I got the movie "Summer Wars" on Blu Ray and watched it when my Dad went out with his girlfriend. I ended up crying because the grandmother dies during the course of the movie, and ended up calling my own grandma about it. I told her how sad it was, and how it made me think of her because she was sick. She told me that she didn't really want to live to be very old. It honestly seemed like she wasn't that upset about the prospect of dying, but it still bothered me. I didn't talk much to her after that because it was late and she was tired. If I had known then what I know now, I'm not sure what else I would've said.
I got a call that Saturday from my Uncle. I'd been trying to call my Grandmother for a few days, and hadn't heard anything. I assumed that she was sleeping, or maybe she just couldn't figure out her phone, or was worried about wasting minutes. My Uncle told me that she was on morphine and was hallucinating and had trouble hearing/answering her phone. He said he was calling other people who had been trying to call her as well, to let them know what was going on.
The next day, I went to see her not long after work. I was pretty tired, since I didn't sleep much the night before. I wasn't going to go, since I had Monday off, but I'd heard that it was going to snow, so I decided to go, not to mention I'd told my Uncle. I don't like going back on my word with people.
I went into her room, and she looked as though she was sleeping. But she woke up when I came in. She was on oxygen, the one that goes in your nostrils, not the mask. I could see her legs, they were all red and black and swollen. Even her stomach was like that. I tried to talk to her, to ask her how she was, but she didn't really understand me. She knew who I was, but she could only speak a few words, and most of the time she would say "Ow." over and over. I honestly sat there for a few minutes and just cried.
Not long after, my Uncle came in with his girlfriend, but they went over to the nurse's station to talk about getting Grandma into a hospice. I kind of couldn't believe that they didn't have permission to give her hospice care sooner, since her doctor had told her 3 weeks ago that there was nothing he could do. She had gone to Dana Farber in Boston not long after that, and they had told her the same thing. I had assumed that she was already getting hospice care, but no. They did later that day get a call from the doctor authorizing hospice care, but they really dropped the ball on that, in my opinion.
Anyway, while they were gone, my Grandma said she wanted ice cubes, as her mouth was very dry. She had told me this in our last conversation as well, and I'd thought about bringing her a coffee, but she was in no condition to drink it now. I went all over, and got her a small glass of ice cubes. I handed the cup to her, but it was obvious she couldn't do it on her own. I didn't know how to feed them to her without the possibility of choking, so I decided to wait until a nurse came.
I continued to try to talk to her, which might've been stupid on my part. I have no idea what I was supposed to say or do, since I hadn't been in that situation in over eight years. I kept crying, too, but I tried to be quiet about it. The only real thought that crossed my mind was that I didn't want to be alone right now. I looked at the door, hoping that someone, anyone, would be there with me. My Dad, Mrs. Black, R, Nad, Mickey, Hydrogen, Fakir, even Megan (not sure if you still read this at all). I think anyone I know could've walked through that door and I would've been happy to see them. I got up and looked at the cards that were hanging on the cork board on the wall.
There was a Valentine's Day card from my Uncle, saying that she was the best Mom ever. That one put tears in my eyes. The others made me cry even more. They were from Grandma's friends at her senior housing unit. They were obviously from back when she first came to the nursing home about a month earlier. They said that they hoped she was doing well in physical therapy (that's what she was originally supposed to be there for, only for a few weeks, too) and that she would come back soon. That a miracle could happen and that she could be well again. I cried because these people had felt like she would be back with them in no time, and that wasn't true. I knew she wouldn't be back with them at all.
I even turned on the TV, as the Daytona 500 was on. I figured my Uncle would come back in soon and want to watch it. My Uncle didn't come back in for quite a while, but instead, two of Grandma's nieces came in. I was glad to see them, and they were shocked at how Grandma looked. When my Uncle and his girlfriend came back, we all talked about how shocking it was and they gave Grandma more pain medication, though it did little to help from what I saw. When I left, I gave her a kiss on the forehead, and she said "Good night.".
I headed home around 5:30, and I had trouble sleeping that night, imaging Grandma in all that pain. I finally got out of bed around 11 am, and was just sitting around for a while. I turned my phone on, and I had two messages, one of which I deleted. The second was my Uncle, my Grandma had passed away in the morning, at 6:07 am.
I was shocked to learn that she died so soon after I'd gone to see her, a little over twelve hours. I ended up hanging out with Nad until my Dad came home.
The rest of the week felt like torture. I went to work as usual, though I told them I couldn't work Friday due to the funeral. They wouldn't give me bereavement time, so I had to use sick time to make up for the time missed. It was also really busy at work, so I didn't have much time to think. Yet the time still seemed to drag on, and I wasn't sleeping much at all. I had a dinner at my Aunt's house Tuesday after work. On Wednesday there was a meeting of my social anxiety group, which I had to go to because I'd missed the previous meeting and because they're having a talent show next month that I wanted to learn more about. Thursday, I worked at night, but I had to try to go to bed early, I also had to talk to some people about Friday.
Friday I was insanely tired. My friends Hydrogen and Nad were there with me, and I talked to them a good chunk of the day. I didn't cry much, maybe I was already cried out, I have no idea. After the lunch, my Dad and I went to my Uncle's for a bit, and then to work to get my check and then to the bank. I fell asleep for a bit after I got home, but then I got up again.
I don't know why, but I watched TV with my Dad for a couple of hours. Even Saturday, I helped my Dad a bit around the house before going out with him to get dinner. I just didn't feel like going out, but I didn't feel like being alone all day, either.
I'm not sure what is going on with me right now. I feel a bit lost, and scared. I'm in a place in my life right now where I don't know what to do. I feel as though I have lost someone who truly loved and supported me, and sometimes I feel there is no one to take her place. I used to call my Grandma every night, and even though I didn't call her as much as I used to once she became ill, I still called as often as I could. Whenever I was upset or worried about something, even if it was something stupid, she was the first person I would call. I felt bad, because I imagine I made her worry about me more than she needed to. Sometimes I can be a real pain in the ass, and I hate it.
Even now, I know I will get confused sometimes. At Easter, I will wonder who to talk to, even at my Aunt's dinner, I mentally wondered if Grandma would be there, as I'd forgotten why we were going in the first place. I sometimes think about calling her, to let her know how worried things have been making me lately. I still haven't deleted her information from my cell phone. I honestly don't know why, but even the thought of it right now puts tears in my eyes. Going through my recently called list and seeing her number is sad. I sometimes want to call it to hear her voice, but I know it's probably been shut off for a while now. She left a message on the answering machine at home a few weeks ago, and it's still on there, though she was on medication at the time that left her a bit confused.
I feel like I have no one to talk to now. Everyone I know has jobs, or family to attend to. I feel as though I have nothing. I had hoped to do things at my age, to have a boyfriend, a cute apartment, a good job. I have none of that and seemingly no way of getting those things, for various reasons. I feel like my ability to reach my goals has been stunted for some reason, like I'm stuck here until I die. I'm so afraid of what to do, what I should do and if I can even accomplish what I need/want to do. I'm not even sure what I want right now.
I feel like it is my fault that I am alone. I'm such a cold person sometimes, I can be really flighty and selfish. I rarely live in the moment and I often love people who don't love me, like Fakir, at the expense of those who do love me. I am worried I am incapable of loving anyone who could love me.
I don't know why, but this has brought up all of the other emotions that were bothering me. I know I need to be strong, to keep going on no matter what. But, there is a part of me that feels weak, that wants to rest. I wish I could use some of my sick time to sort out my head. But that's a luxury I don't want to allow myself. I'm worried I'll grow too lazy if I do. I just don't know if I can manage all of this stuff alone.-*Duck*
<< Monday, Feb. 28, 2011@5:19 p.m.>>