I told Mrs. Black that today when we were in Johnny Rockets and she said that she could die soon. She's had some problems with her legs and stuff, but she's going to a doctor soon. We spent the day together, visiting the old high school and going out for lunch. Then we went grocery shopping at not one, but two grocery stores so I could stock up on yummy snacks, many of which I ate when we got home. I think I'm kind of crashing on my diet, but I should be able to work out today after I drop her off at home.
She's asleep now, she's been asleep for about an hour. The only thing that sucks is that she'll wake up before me. I was playing guitar and tried to watch some Chuck before bed so I could delete an episode from my DVR. Then I remembered the seasons of various shows are coming to a close, so it shouldn't be an issue. Still, being able to watch stuff online is one of the best things ever, since I worry that sometime soon I won't have cable anymore.
I had an okay day. I didn't really like going back to high school. I saw all the music teachers and they all remembered Mrs. Black and how talented a singer she is. I'll have to link to the literal videos she has done, even though it's not really how she sings (she tries to ape the styles of the singers in the videos they do), I think you will all agree how wonderful she sounds. Let me try to find one. There.. Now you all know what Mrs. Black sounds like when she sings.
Anyway, I was glad to see how highly everyone thinks of Mrs. Black, but at the same time, no one seemed to remember me well, or at least fondly. It kind of sucks to think of how, if I were to visit URI in six years, everyone would probably forget who I was or what I even did. I was really glad when we left, because I don't like thinking about high school very much. I was a very immature person then, maybe it even shows in those old entries (anywhere from 2001-2004). I don't know, I just hope that I have changed, and that I can somehow continue to improve and try to show people I am talented.
I'm honestly a bit depressed, and maybe it's something silly, but I wanted to write about it here. My friend Nad and I haven't been hanging out much lately. He came to my recital and we hung out a lot around then, but after that, he's been pretty cold to me. We were supposed to hang out on Thursday, but his grandfather died so he went to go see him. He came back today, and I was talking to him online. He was in a horrible mood, and gave me a laundry list of things that were wrong. He said the government was taking money out of his paycheck and I asked why. He got all snippy with me, saying it was rude to ask that. The only reason that I asked was because I thought he owed tax money, but he told me it was student loans. I honestly think that he thinks I am spoiled and wouldn't understand those kinds of things. I apologized for being rude, and asked him about Airsoft.
It just hurt my feelings that he got so mad at me. I mean, I was just trying to show concern, I even offered to try and help in some way. Like, if he needed someone to talk to or wanted to go get something to eat. I wasn't trying to injure his pride or pry. I often asking him the whys of things and he often gets grumpy with me about it. I just don't get why he can't open up to me at all. Mrs. Black says it's because he's a boy and boys are weird/stupid. But he is friends with this guy, I'll call him Red. Anyway, Red dates a girl named Blue, and has been dating her for about three months now. Nad talks to Blue all the time, about all kinds of things, it almost seems like they are better friends than Nad and Red.
This makes me feel like it is something to do with me. I don't get it at all. I mean, I've known Nad since 2001, way longer than Blue or even Red. Yet, he treats me like I am some kind of stranger who is prying into his life for no good reason. I thought that he realized I'm not like other girls. I thought that he always saw me as a little sister type. Why wouldn't you be able to confide in your little sister? I often see myself that way, because everyone I know acts older than me and usually they are older than me. I often forget how old I am because of that.
I just feel like guys always see me the wrong way. I was really depressed about that over the weekend. I was hoping to see Fakir during my exam Thursday, I even tried to straighten my hair for him (I failed miserably). I want to try and see him next Thursday, the 27th. Still, it's a concert he is playing with his band, so there is a chance that I won't be able to talk to him, even though I will see him. I might see him at graduation, if he is playing in the commencement band, but I won't get to talk to him then, either. I almost want to invite him to my graduation party, but I don't even know when it is.
Confessing to him feels pointless. But so does the whole online dating thing that Nad got me to try. He was supposed to help me find someone, but he told me to join a website and that was it. I've tried contacting guys and failed. I've also been contacted, but every guy is weird. I hate how guys online are so damn aggressive. I never get to really know them or learn their names before they are asking bullshit like my phone number or if I'm busy Friday. I honestly like to take things slow, because if I don't get to know someone really well first, I will forget them. I wish I could meet a guy in real life who would be interested in me and not all creepy like. I think it's much harder to be creepy in person and that's why I might have to try something stupid like speed dating. One of the few things I want right now is to be told that I am beautiful in person, not online. I hear it often online, but never in real life, so it's hard for me to believe it. Well, I do hear it in real life, but only from friends or family.
I know, it's the usual stuff for me. I guess some things never do change, which sucks. Oh well, at least I will get to see L at graduation on Sunday. I totally wish I could be friends with her, but I worry that she is too awesome and organized to hang out with me. I don't know, I feel like I won't be able to succeed in life, and I'm worried I'll live at home until I die and that people will continue to think I am spoiled and selfish forever. I hate going to bed with such horrible thoughts. Good night.-*Duck*
<< Wednesday, May. 19, 2010@12:23 a.m.>>