26 days. Wow. I had no idea it had been almost a month since I last updated. Time has been kind of flying, I guess. It's been hectic for me, and tiring, and frustrating. I haven't even read any diaries on my diary list, I am super far behind on that. I've actually gotten very lazy lately, and that's why.
For someone who is lazy though, not much has gone on. I still don't know when I'm graduating, after the head of the music department said I could graduate in August if I found some kind of performance opportunity over the summer that my teacher could go to. I told my teacher this and he said he wouldn't be able to set up anything for me until September, which is obviously too late (unless he is secretly the Doctor and has the TARDIS for me to go back into August with). In all honesty, I should be happy to graduate in December because it will delay my loan payments until June of next year.
I feel horrible though, because I have no idea what I am going to do with myself. People keep asking me, but my degree is not the kind that I can go out and get a job right off the bat with, you know? Not to mention there aren't a lot of places hiring in general and there are tons of people looking for work. It's kind of hard to think about a dream job with a narrow field like composing when I can't even get a simple office job. There's also the problem that I faced when going to a job fair at school (which was in the middle of the school day, no less, lame.). Many places want you to have your bachelor's degree when you apply, even if it's not in a related field. Well, that's all fine and dandy if I was graduating in May. But I don't know if I'll get my degree in August, or in December. So I'm not sure I should even bother applying to these jobs, since I don't know when I will actually get my degree.
School has just been a big disappointment for me. I didn't get into Honor Society, which is something I had wanted so much. Bunny got in, of course, in fact, he was initiated in again this year after being initiated last year. I was surprised that Fakir didn't get in, but maybe he isn't a junior, though he had a junior recital last year. I like him better than Bunny, but I am biased, of course. I had a chorus concert with Bunny a few weeks ago, and I nearly ended up standing next to him (but some girls got in between us, thank goodness). Still, he was being all huffy about it, as if I was some kind of weirdo. He never even says hello in the halls to me, even though he does with everyone else. Not to mention he rarely even looks at me. It feels weird for him to ignore my existence. I can understand being awkward around me, but this just feels like he is mad at me, which is silly. I'm the one who should be mad, but I'm not even mad anymore. I don't want to be best friends with him, or even friends, but I wouldn't mind being civil and occasionally friendly.
Then there's Fakir, who I saw at a jazz concert I ushered at a few weeks ago. He came out of the side entrance to the concert hall. I was throwing stuff into the garbage near the door, so he walked right by me. He reeked of smoke, and he didn't look too great, either. He was wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt (everyone looks bad in sweats, kids!)and went to go talk to some jazz kids. I went back to cleaning, but I kept thinking about him, of course. I honestly think he looked sad, or at least seemed it. He later came back to attend the concert, and he had changed his shirt so he didn't smell anymore. It was kind of embarrassing, because I had trouble keeping the door open and him and Bear (a jazz saxophone player and funny guy), were trying to help me. Bear was more help than Fakir, but I felt so odd. I always look so stupid in front of him, whether or not I mean to. I haven't even seen him in a while, but his band is having a concert on the 27th of this month and I really want to go with Mrs. Black. I really want to see him one last time before I graduate. I wish I could tell him how I feel.
I'm just worried at the prospect of it. I mean, there are things that remind me of him. Like the Beatles, because they're his favorite band. Well, I like them too, and it's hard to avoid their music. I don't want to hate them, either. I don't want to hate the things he likes if he breaks my heart or makes me feel like crap. I kind of feel like it would be hard for me to ruin things for him, since the stuff I like isn't ever popular. Even my favorite show on TV right now is in the gutter as far as ratings go, and it's only been renewed because NBC has nothing else to show. (It's Parks and Recreation, if any of you were wondering.) Still, I don't like the idea of ruining things for people anyway, so maybe it's better that way.
I've been hanging around Mrs. Black more lately. I like to be around her because she makes me feel like I am awesome and that I've changed, too. We hung out about two weeks ago and it was great. We ate at the Cracker Barrel, walked on the bike path and got ice cream, went to Stop and Shop and then hung out at my house. We played Rock Band and Beatles Rock Band and watched The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, which she now loves. I let her borrow the first book and then the second one yesterday. She also borrowed the first season box set.
I hung out with her yesterday (Saturday) after work, even though I was tired and didn't want to. I stayed an extra hour late because I need money. I didn't sleep the night before, either, because I've been sick lately and the health office at school closes Friday. After that, I have no health insurance until I get back on my Dad's plan, which could be a few months. I don't care what anyone has to say about the health care bill, for me, it has been a godsend. I wasn't able to get my teeth looked at a few months ago because the school plan doesn't cover dental. I'm due for an eye exam, a physical and the dreaded gynecologist visit (I've been putting that one off for three years now, but I should go). The eye exam is the most important, I haven't gotten new glasses in two years, though I don't think my prescription has changed much. I don't like the school doctors anyway. I had to go to the women's clinic and they treated me like a little girl, not even giving me an exam. Yet the other girls there were getting exams like real adults. I have to admit, I cried. I feel horrible for being 23, going on 24 in October, and not an adult. I even worried about never having a boyfriend earlier today, because most people I know have had someone in the past, and many of them have someone now. All of the guys I had any chance with are all gone, so I feel as though there is no one, which sucks.
This funk has kind of been following me lately. Mother's Day is the worst, because I always forget about it now. Not to mention I often feel crappy for not loving my Mom as much as everyone else loves theirs. I also feel bad for wanting a mother like most people have. I so wanted a Mom that worked, that could chaperone field trips, that would give me advice. I wanted to bring a boy home to show off to her someday, and have him look at her, knowing I would someday be like that. Instead, she embarrassed me, made me feel like she never wanted me around and scared many of my friends and teachers at school. I know it's stupid, but I feel bad about that, like it's my fault for expecting her to be someone she could never be. But it angers me that she became a Mother when it was obvious she couldn't deal with it. I never, ever want to be like that. I do like children, to some extent, and part of me wants to be a Mom someday. But I don't want to be if I can't be the kind of woman that my children could look up to and be proud of. If I couldn't love them and be there for them, then there wouldn't be a point to it all. The way I'm going, I don't know that I will have to worry about it.
Back to Saturday (that was a long tangent, sorry), I drove down to Oakland Beach to go to a cookout with Mrs. Black. I got there before they were going to start, so I had some biscuits with Nutella and Fluff, which was great. Then Mrs. Black and I went to Barnes and Noble and got some books while we read the Blood + manga (I wanted to know how it differed from the anime and Mrs. Black loves Blood +, so she wanted to know, too). Then we came back to my house and watched some Haruhi Suzumiya, which I then lent her. Oh, and we talked about going to Connecticon, which is in July. We're thinking of going dressed up as either Rue and Duck from Princess Tutu, or their alter egos, Princess Kraehe and Princess Tutu. I think Rue and Duck would be cool because we could wear the same uniforms and I would get to wear a kick ass red wig. I've always wanted to be a red head, not to mention uniforms and easier to find and cheaper to get than ballet costumes, though I would love to get some ballerina shoes and ribbons. We got back to the cookout as it was ending, and we ate hot dogs and then went on a short walk. We were going to go to the beach, but then we got lost, so we turned around and headed back. We also talked, and it's nice to have her to talk to, because she likes the stuff I like and makes me feel normal.
Not much happened today. I was very tired and work was very slow, not to mention I was working with someone for once, instead of alone. I actually hated it because it just made the slowness even worse. Towards the end, I was getting super cranky, too. I ended up coming home, eating a bit, and then falling asleep. I was going to sleep all night, but my Dad came home, so I ate. Then the internet went down and I had to call the cable company. The modem kept setting and resetting itself. The woman rebooted it over the phone, but it started acting up again a few minutes later, so I unplugged it. I played guitar and talked to R, who I might hang out with a bit tomorrow.
Anyway, I really should get to bed. I have to go to see my Grandma tomorrow. I didn't get to mention it, but she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer (hence my sudden desire to see the gynecologist again) a few weeks ago. She went in two weeks ago to get a hysterectomy (I have no idea why she never got one) and to get the tumors removed. They did some tests but won't have the results until sometime this week. I visited her in the hospital last Tuesday and she was in good shape. She has a huge set of staples going to her stomach, but she's walking and talking. She went home last Wednesday and people visit her so she isn't alone. My uncle finally brought up his old couch for her to lay on, so she is comfortable as well. I'm bringing her some chili from Mr. Taco, which is her favorite (it's mine, too). I wanted to bring her some lilacs from the bush, but they died due to the rain. I got her Sanford and Son: The Complete Series as a gift, which I know she'll love, since she shuts off her phone for the reruns of it on TV Land. Then I'm going to go to the shopping center nearby to get another book at Barnes and Noble and to get some shampoo at Bath and Body Works. The Warwick Mall is still closed (I think it will open again next month), so I have to go up there to get my things, or to Emerald Mall in North Attleboro. There's Providence Place, but the parking is hell, so I just don't bother.
Anyway, I just spent over a half hour writing this (that's why it's so long, that, and I'm too lazy to put it into multiple entries). I will try and read everyone else's stuff, too. I should be updating more if work doesn't burn me out. After this week, I should be working full time, not that I'm looking forward to that. Good night!-*Duck*
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