I feel really tired and stupid and depressed. The Death Cab for Cutie concert is tonight and I am going with my Dad. Hooray. I don't even want to go now, I should've just gone to work instead, I have only three hundred dollars left in the bank and that's not even enough to pay my Dad back, or to fix my car. I like some guy who I'll never be with because he lives three thousand plus miles away. I don't want anyone else though, I'm think of putting asexual down as my orientation because I really don't like most guys I meet. The ones I like think I am gross.
They're treating me like I'm special ed at work becuase of something that happened last week. I am failing Sociology and I don't think I'm doing good in Rhythm. I am not getting enough sleep any night of the week and it is messing with my brain function. I slept for tweleve hours today and I will probably do little else. He's the one who keeps me going, and yet he will never know.
I went to see the Borat movie with my Dad. It was funny, I laughed so hard that I had trouble breathing for a minute. It still didn't make me feel any better. I've felt this alone before, but it hurts a little more every time it happens to me. This has been going on my whole life, it makes me feel so worthless, being sad and having no one to turn to. I sent Heather an e-mail asking if she'd go with me and she never even replied. She could've said no and I'd be bummed out, but I would at least know she had thought about it. I keep calling Camille, but she never answers her phone and never calls me back. No one ever calls me, I don't get it.
I am thinking of quitting music again, then again, when don't I? I don't know if I'll get into BU because I was told it was hard to get into. I don't feel like I have been living up to my own potential in any of my classes lately. My mind is so damn foggy and distorted. I feel so damn alone, like there is no light at the end of my tunnel. I just want some friends and a cute boy who will listen to music with me and watch tv with me, and go to the movies with me and call me. Who will give and take, and not just take like so many others have. I want to find where I belong in this world and what I should be doing with my life.
I am thinking of quitting college altogether after this year. I don't care if I don't get a degree, I can learn at my own pace, where I want to learn. I don't care about health care, either. I haven't been getting sick lately and I don't know what these damn pills are doing for me. I want to leave this state and find somewhere to live, I don't know where yet. I will take my car, and everything I own worth taking and just go. If anyone has any ideas as to where I should go that would be good. I will only do this if I don't get accepted into a college, but that just feels so likely these days. I wish I hadn't followed my dream because I think I would be much happier if I was an English major, even if I went to fucking URI, I at least wouldn't be alone right now. I'd been in a dorm with other girls my age and maybe I would meet a guy who I can actually talk to face to face. CCRI has done nothing for me, literally. These two years have been the worst of my life and I'm not sure if I'll have anything to show for it, except a hole in my car.
I have to get ready to go to the concert with my Dad. I don't to miss Ted Leo because he is the opening act. I want to make a list of my favorite cds and put it in here, to see if anyone reads this and checks those cds out. I would love to make copies of them and send them to anyone who reads this, but that's impractical for so many reasons. I really am very impractical in every way.-Kate
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