Things have not been going to great lately. Carbon was really being a bitch to me yesterday, telling me she couldn't go in the limo and asking me not to "flip out". She wouldn't even give me a clear reason as to why, or answer any of the questions I asked her afterward, which had nothing to do with the limo, either. I'm just sick of the way she talks to me like that, and the way she wasn't even bothered when she saw me after sending me that nasty IM and the other one that made no fucking sense. I blocked her, and I'm glad I did, because I don't feel like putting up with any more of her verbal abuse. I wrote her an e-mail and I fully intend to send it to her today, because I don't think that things can get much worse from here. I honestly am angry with myself that I cannot seem to keep a friend for more than a few months. I just want someone to hang out with on weekends, who likes some of the same things and who doesn't abuse me or lie to me every chance they get. I don't want someone who uses me, either.
I'm probably going to go over the my Grandma's today because it is so nice out and I want to go for a walk, but there is no one around here to walk with. I tried to call her, but she's not home right now, but she should be calling me back soon.
I really don't want to go to my Prom, either, which is in less than a week. It just seems like it won't be any fun and the only person who isn't going to back out on me is Dancer. My Dad told me not to worry, but when he tells me he has $7,000 in credit card bills, it's hard not to. I really wish I had a job right now so that I could contribute some money. I really hope I get that job at Foxwoods and I can start the day after graduation. It looks like it is going to be a shitty summer, with Hydrogen and Dancer busy with their jobs and stuff. I really can't wait to go to Albany and never come back to Welfare Town again, because I hate it here. No one really loves me or respects me or my feelings, expect for my Dad and Blake. Yes, even Ginger has turned on me now.
Yesterday, I had to spray her ears and chest, so I picked her up and sprayed both her ears. I tried to spray her chest and she jumped off the couch. So, I grabbed her to pull her back up and she bit me. Pretty hard, too, as my thumb is swollen right now and I have teeth marks on my hand, even though it happened yesterday. It doesn't hurt as bad as it did, but I'm still mad at her for doing that. I'm so sick of trying to be nice to her and play with her and then get ignored. I started crying, though I already was and Blake came, cried along and licked my hand right where Ginger bit me.
I'm just really mad at myself today, and I have been for the whole school year. I'm really mad that I can't have a boyfriend, friends or a family (I don't mean I want a baby or anything, I mean the mom and dad family), and I feel like it is my fault that I can never find really good friends who don't get pissed off at me all the time. I'm so sick of playing guitar, I really like it, it's just that no one expect my guitar teacher ever asks to hear me play, as if I'm not good enough to. If I hear that Goddamn Instumental teacher tell me the pickups on my Strat are messed up one more freaking time, I'm turned the thing up to ten and getting a damn Marshall stack. It's not my fault that every guy in that class thinks he's a fucking rock star and only wants to hear himself play and no one else. So, I'm bringing my cheap Fender Frontman on Tuesday and I'm going to play it so loud that their ears being to bleed. We'll see who has weak pickups then.
I hope to update the lyrics diary soon, since I've been finding some even better lyrics sites than before. Not much else is going on and I'm still not sure what I'm doing today. I'll write more later.
*Racecar*
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