I went to Boston University today. I was really excited, but I realized that it isn't the place for me. They expect high SAT scores, 200 points higher than what I got and for kids coming out of high school to have taken Pre-Calc. They get about thirty thousand applicants a year and only accept five thousand. They also don't have a guitar program, so I would have to major in composition, which I wouldn't mind, but I would also have to learn to play a new instrument and audition on it in January. It really bummed me out that we wasted all that time. I have this feeling that Boston is where I belong, the place where the people I have been looking for all my life are. Now I am not so sure.
I just really want to find good friends, ones who call me and can take care of their own cars and not expect their parents to do it for them. Ones who will remember when we make plans have save money up to go through with them, who will give me gas money when I drive them around, who will be as psyched as I am about concerts, who will know what I'm talking about most of the time, all of that kinds of stuff. Everyone around here that I meet seems to be the opposite of that and it's starting to piss me off. I feel like I am a good friend to them, I give the rides, take them to concerts, burn them cds, call them whenever I get the chance. Yet no one does the same for me and I just feel like I'm constantly being used and they don't really care about me. It wears on you after fifteen years, it really does. It makes you feel worthless when your "friends" don't care if they hurt your feelings and it just makes you wonder what's wrong with you and why people don't care about you in the first place. I want to move and find people who will care about me as much as I care about them.
I also want to meet the one guy that I will be attracted to who will be attracted to me. Someone smart, handsome, but not goregous. Skinny with soft brown hair and a sweet smile, who loves good music, reading, writing, acting goofy, going on crazy adventures. Someone I can hold hands with and who will love me whether I am crying or smiling and some I will feel the same way for. It seems like every guy I meet doesn't meet my standards.
Then there's my family, who think I should quit music and go to RIC or URI, even though I honestly don't think they're as great as everyone around here does. They both have graduation rates well below fifty percent and I have been to both of them and just didn't like them. RIC is less than a mile from my Grandma's house, how the hell am I going to grow up and strike out on my own if my Grandma can walk to my school and watch me like a hawk? I know she'd do it, too, hell, CCRI is thirty minutes from where she lives, and that STILL doesn't stop her from intruding on my life when it suits her purpose. The only person who is truly invovled in my life is my Dad and he is fully supportive of me in whatever I do. I don't think he wants to throw me out of the house, he just wants me to be happy and I think he's the only one who understands that I can't find happiness in RI.
I am just frustrated that I can't seem to find my way in life. Every time I find a path that seems to lead me to where I want, it seems to be a dead end. I am applying to Berklee and the New England Conservatory of Music, which is where I currently have my heart set on. I will also apply to UMass Amherst, but I really want to live in Boston, or even New York, cities just really speak to me. I've already started working on my audition pieces, but I have to talk to my teacher about what to choose. I have to audition in January during the winter break. I wonder if I'll ever get to go to a good college and meet the people I belong with. I hope so, because this constant disappointment is starting to piss me off.
Even if I can't be with Tristan, which is probably damn likely, I still think about him. I try to think that if I keep being good and doing what I'm supposed to, that I will find a guy just like him who will love me. I don't want to settle for anything less though and I think there are some people who will understand that. Most won't though, which honestly sucks. I have no idea how I am getting through these days, but something is keeping me going, I partially think it's him, but it could be the force that has been driving me since day one as well. I'm just not the type of girl to give up, and I don't want to give up on this.-Kate
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