I'm not feeling too good right now. It's my own fault, too, so it only makes me feel worse. Not only that, but Mrs. Black's ex boyfriend and our now mutual friend Mickey (not his name of course) is going to come over to give me a hug (he can't drive to pick Felisha up because he is tired, which I understand, in fact, that is my fault as well).
Let's rewind things back to about a week. I saw a post last Thursday night on FB about Fakir's band looking for a new guitarist, because Fakir is becoming the trombone player. Anyway, I decided that I should try out and so left them a note letting them know I wanted to.
Then I talked to Mickey about helping me out with guitar stuff. I got the list of songs I needed to work on Tuesday night. But I ended up going to bed late, and took a nap when I got home from work on Wednesday (huge mistake). I then went over to Mickey's around 10 and practiced until about 4 in the morning.
I could barely sleep this morning, I was so nervous. I went to my classical guitar lesson in the morning, which went well. Then I came home to work on my rock stuff, which was when my fear overtook me. I listened to Chuck Berry to try and get an idea of how to play "Mustang Sally" (how to vamp over the changes, that is). I also tried to listen to the other two songs.
I got there early, and should've looked over my stuff a bit first, but I figured others would be trying out and that I would be able to work a bit more. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Fakir was actually unloading his car, which is a red Saturn (you know that whole thing about how people are like the cars they drive? I always wondered if it was true, I doubt a red Saturn goes with a green Jetta, except on Christmas). He had an amp, so I put mine back.
We went over the first song, and my instincts, the ones Mickey was so sure would kick in, didn't. I couldn't get a decent rhythm, nor could I follow the bass' lead. The second song was worse, because Fakir had to show me a few chords, which I got, but then I kept screwing up on the ska rhythms, because I was practicing it backwards earlier in the day, and didn't realize it until about 15 minutes before I left. I did get it right a few times in the song, but it fucked up how I was playing the chords, so I fell behind on that. The third song was horrid. It was an original song, which I had listened to but hadn't learned. Fakir showed me the chords again, but this time, they played it for me and by the time they got to it, I'd forgotten the chords already. I tried to keep up, but I can't imagine I did well. My soloing got better at least, because I thought of the whole idea of using words to inspire my music. I thought of all the things I wanted to tell those guys, especially Fakir.
Still, I felt like crying after I left, and I did end up crying in the car. That, and singing along to the Format, namely "Pick Me Up", which is my life right now, and "Dead End", which reminds me of the first guy I ever liked. I talked to Mickey and to Mrs. Black. In fact, Mickey is supposed to come by, but I wouldn't be mad at him for a minute if he didn't, because he's very tired and it's my fault. I feel bad for him as well, because I know that he feels like it's partly his fault my audition went so bad, but it wasn't.
When Fakir and the rest of the band played that song without me, they sounded so good. Fakir even sang, and I knew with him singing there was no way I would pay attention. He has such a nice voice, and he's so cute. He was nice to me, too, which I hated. It would be so easy to stop liking him and feeling odd around him if he would just be mean. I remember Mickey watching the band play and saying Fakir looked like a douchebag, but he's wrong about him. I kind of wish he hadn't been.
It sucks because I want to play with a band. I want to see Fakir, to spend time with him. I still have this stupid desire to be by his side, and it's just that, stupid. I'm a mess, just like my car. Heck, the bumper is falling off, the air conditioner is backing up with water, and one of my blinkers has stopped working. I actually have to drive my Dad's truck tomorrow, but I can't even find the keys, so I have to stay up until he comes home.
I just wish I didn't like him. I never wanted to like anyone, and I still don't want to. It has never ended in anything other than pain and awkwardness. While relationships end and it sucks, I never even get that far. Yet all my friends have, and it makes me worry that there is something seriously wrong with me.
When people find out that I have been playing for seven years, they always assume that I am good. But I'm not. I don't know nearly as much as those kids did. I have so much I need to work on before I can even get to that level, it's embarrassing.
I feel silly for letting this get to me, because I knew deep down it would happen. I guess it just sucks to feel it play out in front of me. Maybe I would've regretted it had I not tried, but I kind of regret it anyway, if only because it reminded me of all the feelings that have been welling up inside me lately.
Like how lonely I am, how much fun playing rock music is. Playing with Mickey last night was the most fun I've had playing guitar in AGES. Classical is so boring, and jazz is so complicated. But rock is the music of the people, so simple and yet so structured. It's like a universal way to express oneself. Hearing Chuck Berry play today made me realize how much I truly love rock, and why I picked up a guitar in the first place.
I made a promise to myself to keep going. I told myself that if I cried, or acted up in front of them, or got frustrated, or quit on them, that I would sell my Sheryl Crow tickets (she's playing in September around here, and she's the reason I started playing guitar) and that I would not allow myself to watch anime for 3 months. Yes, that's harsh, but I was very willing to go along with it if I was horrible to them. At least I managed to keep that promise to myself, and I should be proud of that, because I might not have done it before.
Still, I wish this constant loneliness would go away. I wish I could tell Fakir how I feel, or at least tell him I want to be friends with him. But I don't know how to go about it. I feel sorry for that the most. I need to be stronger in every way. I need to be able to push myself out of this whole I'm in. I am truly the only one who can fix these problems, I just hope that I'm going about solving them the right way.-*Duck*
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