Today's title is from a Thermals song. I've been having a rough few weeks, partly because Mrs. B and I were supposed to be making a costume for Connection this weekend. But, it's not going to happen now, which makes me angry. I've decided that I'm not going to even bother going. Not just because I had my heart set on cosplaying as Duck from Princess Tutu, but because I don't feel like having to get up at 5 am, leave at 6, and drive for three hours (or more, depending on traffic) to Hartford, and then have to drive 3 hours back later that night, and go to work the next morning. Of course, Mrs. B doesn't drive, just like she doesn't have a job or go to school.
The reason I am so angry is because I did all the hard work for this. I was the one fretting over shoes and wigs and necklaces. I helped to pick out the fabric and the patterns, I even helped to pay for them. I went out and bought a white formal shirt for the collar. While I did show her the things I picked out so she could tell me what she thought of them, I was the one who searched for them, and the one who paid for them. I even got into a car accident looking for a wig shop around RI that doesn't exist anymore due to the shit economy (I will swear in this, sorry). I ended up losing my car's bumper because of that, and I was not happy (and am still not, because the bumper is now just MIA).
I was the one who told her we needed to get stuff done soon, and she didn't listen to me. She said it was nothing to worry about, that she knew how to use a sowing machine. I have one at home, but it's an industrial one used in the mills that were around 100 years ago. Therefore, there's no manual on how to use it, and it was my Grandma's, who has been dead for 10 years (and had Alzheimer's for 10 before that). My Dad has limited knowledge of how it works, and I can't afford to buy one just for this.
We had gone to see Mrs. B's Grandma on Thursday (meaning two of my days off last week were dedicated to this) and she helped us out with stuff. Mrs. B was supposed to finish the coats and her Grandma showed her how. But, she waited until Monday to work on them "forgot" how to do it, and then couldn't be bothered to look up on YouTube how to do what her Grandma told her to, even though that would take all of five minutes. If she had worked on it on Friday or Saturday, it would've still been fresh in her mind. But no, she had to work on her Supernatural fanfic and videos, as if the show is even on right now.
I spent so much time on this. When she couldn't figure out how to cut out a pattern and pin it to the fabric, I was the one who looked up a series of videos (it took me only a few minutes, of course) and watched them. I was the one who ended up pinning down the fabric and even cutting it a few times before she got it. I'm tempted to take my half of the fabric and just do it myself, because she doesn't want to do it.
I was talking to her ex, who she now refuses to talk to, and he basically told me how she thinks. She thinks of herself first, and does things that make her happy, whether they come at the expense of others or not.
This is what I don't understand. I have spent so much of my life trying to be kind to others. While I do want to be happy and do things for myself, I often try to please those around me, so they'll be good in turn. I had hoped that getting things together would be my half of this project, while the sowing, which is impossible for me to do right now, would be her half. I mean, she has a mother who knows how to sow at home! Even if I could bring my Mom back from the dead, she wouldn't be able to help me, and would likely end up in a shouting match with me, which would lead to me getting kicked out of the house.
My whole life, all I have wanted is to be loved by those around me and have company, because that's what makes me happy. I can't imagine acting for my own sake alone, because it seems pointless. If I am always selfish and think of myself first, no one will want to be around me. I still do believe that, because right now, I don't want to see Mrs. B. I'm supposed to go up there to see her tomorrow, but I don't think I will. I think I will take the day to get a new bathing suit, write music, work on my story and play guitar. I don't want to keep wasting my time on something that she has no interest in doing. She told me that's not true, and the she has been sick, but like the title of this entry (which comes from the awesome new Thermals song), I don't believe her.
I can understand being sick, but I was sick two weeks ago and managed to pick her up when she was feeling depressed. I even went to work and my lesson even though I wanted to stay home and sleep. I even went to a job interview, but the job was shitty (selling insurance, and I had to pay $300 out of pocket to get the required license). I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed and rest to my heart's desire. Yet I went out to see her because I thought she would appreciate it. I'm not saying she should drive all over the state for me (she can't, anyway), but I don't see why she couldn't look up videos on YouTube, or read some how tos, or even look at the patterns. She could cut the pattern pieces out, that's not hard, either. Yet, she sat on her ass and did nothing.
I don't know what to do about any of this. I don't know if I should cut all my losses (which total over $100), or if we should try to do this for Saturday (pretty impossible now), or if we should try to do it for the next con. I can't believe she even said that, because she must be some kind of idiot. The next convention is Otakon, but that's in Baltimore and I can't get time off for it now because it's so close (it's next month). Not to mention it's much more expensive and a much longer drive. After that, there's New York Comic Con in September, but I don't know if I'd want to go to NYC. Then there's Anime Boston, which I think is Easter weekend again. I don't know what to do. Anyone's advice would be helpful.
I can't help but be envious, too. I mean, Mrs. B has always been like this, even in high school, which was one of the reasons we fought so much. I was so angry tonight that I hung up the phone on her, and my anger probably won't go away for a while. She is going away next week, which is perfect because I need a break from her. Still, Mrs. B has always had lots of friends and boyfriends, something I still can't manage.
I worry I won't even manage it, either. I almost always get crummy friends who use me, and guys that do care for me can't read or write or they're 3 times my size. But then I wonder if it's just better for me to be alone. Maybe the love that I long for isn't possible at all, and those people that I care about don't even exist. The life I dreamed of isn't really possible anyway, because one big part of it was a nice mother, and I've lost all the chances of that happening. I'll be lucky if my Dad is in one piece by the time I get married, if that were to ever happen.
Mickey said that it doesn't matter how old I am when I do start dating, and that it is admirable that I am willing to wait for someone who is right for me to come along. But I often worry he won't come, or that he will judge me when he does show up. That he'll wonder what the hell is wrong with me for being 24 or older and never having dated anyone. I wouldn't even know how to begin explaining it to him.
There's so much worry within me, and so much anger right now. It's hard for me to keep these bad feelings in check. I'm not sure what I should do anymore, or even how to do it. I think I've lost my way right now, and I don't know how to get back on the right road.-*Rukia*
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