Tristan,
I'm okay today, I worked an extra day which sucks because I'm tried and have to work a long day tomorrow. Still, I need the money and I'll be getting a raise this month. I hope that you find a job soon. I bet you would be better off if you lived here, it seems like they need people in the health field all the time and the bands you like always go to Boston. It would be so nice to have you around, I think I'd be the happiest girl in the whole world with you by my side.
You know what's weird? I got jealous reading about that girl that wrote you a love note. I guess the idea of you being with someone else bothers me. I feel bad about that because it is inevitable. I doubt we could ever be together, the phsycial space between us is too big to overcome. I don't think you'd want to bother with me anyway, I'm just some twenty year old naive girl who can't seem to get her shit together. I feel kind of possesive, even though I don't posses you at all. I'm sorry about that.
I love it when you tell me that you hope I'm doing well, it makes me feel like you think of me. You probably don't, but still it's nice to think that there is a cute boy out there thinking of me. I like to pretend that.
I wish we could talk more often, I like talking to you, but I don't know if it's the same with you. I always feel that there is something you want to say to me but don't. If there is, you should just tell me.
I really want to tell you how I feel, but I don't think that it's right to. I don't want the rapport between us to go away, for things to suddenly become awkward or just end altogether. I don't want to make you feel weird or upset you. You probably think that I'm just a friend which is fine with me. I don't want to not be friends with you just because I opened my heart up to you and you didn't want me to. Still, I want you to know on the off chance that you might feel the same, but there's nothing we could do with our feelings anyway, besides forget them. I try to forget you, but I don't know how. Maybe if I tell you; you can tell me how to forget you, or just force me into doing so. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I just keep waiting to tell you, hoping the right time will come.
Your birthday is coming up in two months. I'm glad you didn't die like you suggested. You think about dying too much, you're not sick. I think you obsess over cancer too much, it's nice to know about it, but maybe your knowledge is too much. I only think that because you seem to think you have cancer, which probably isn't true. You would know if you did. I hope you are well mentally as well as phsycially and if I could buy you anything for your birthday, I would. I'd probably buy you cds, not that you don't have all the ones I already do and then some. I bet your cd collection is the best in the whole world.
I want you to write more, I love to read what you write. I wonder if you read what I write, but I don't think you do. I sometimes think you do though, just to see how I am. I want to be okay so that you don't worry about me. If you do worry, which you might not, you have no reason to. I want you to be happy and one of the ways to be happy is not to worry. I don't want you worrying about anything, things will be okay for you. Someday you will find a beautiful girl and she will love you deeply and be everything you want her to be and then some. You'll find a nice job, a nice car and a nice place to live. I bet you'll have a child or two, you would make a great dad and you know it. You deserve the best because you are so wonderful.
I have to go to bed now, but I hope that someday you read this and realize how great you are that someone could love you so much. I don't think it would be possible for me to love you like I do if you weren't such a great guy. I'm sorry that I'm not the a great girl or a very beautiful one. I'm sorry that my love probably doesn't mean that much to you, though I wish it would. Just see all of this as an affrimation of what a great person you are.-Kate
<< Friday, Mar. 02, 2007@11:42 p.m.>>