I think it's been technically two weeks since I wrote in here, but there is a reason I am writing today, and it's not just to make good on my whole thing about writing more. Granted, I think writing in here at least twice a month would be a good idea. No, it's because today is the tenth anniversary of me writing in this diary. I don't think I wrote in here too much at first because I had a diary on Teen Open Diary as well, and so was writing in there pretty much everyday. I was lucky enough to be able to grab a copy of that a couple of years ago. I meant to put it up on here, but I never did. I don't know that I ever would, either, that thing caused so much drama back in the day. Not that this one didn't, since Fifi (aka Mrs. Black) and Scummy Boy both read it. I've hidden this diary since then, and I think those two have forgotten it even exists. I was worried Sousuke had found it, but he's just been reading my Twitter. I had linked to this page on my Twitter, but I took the link down a while ago for fear it would cause drama, and I did the same thing for Facebook around that time, too. I think it was because a coworker added me on FB and I didn't want her to read this because I complained about her on here, as any sane person would.
I was going to reflect on my ten years of writing in here, but you know what? I'm going to just let the writing speak for itself. I'm not sure anyone would care to, but feel free to read an entry from each year, probably around the same time. I don't feel as though I have changed much, since my situation really hasn't. I know that reflecting on it would probably only make me more depressed than I already am.
I hope that this year is the year I can finally figure out what I want out of my life, and perhaps how to get some of it. I think I am going to go back to school, but what kind, how long and what I'll do are beyond me, and are the things I really need to figure out. I know I'm getting a new phone and plan soon, which I need because staying in touch with people now is very hard, since I have no real texting plan to speak of, and everyone communicates that way now.
I also plan on going to Anime Boston. I was going to do the whole three days this year, but I am spending about $50 each month on anime in the months leading up to it, so I decided it would be best to just go on Saturday and save myself about $200. I don't know that I could really tolerate the con crowd and the hotel situation for very long anyway. There's no way I could really sleep well with people wandering in and out of the room(s) and shouting internet memes all night. The one thing I have learned about myself in the past year is that if I miss sleep over consecutive nights, I become this really rotten person who is all over the place mood wise. I know I was like that today, and pretty much any day where I return to work after not working for a while.
I do need to find another job, but that's been something I've been saying since I graduated college. Granted, I didn't make a true effort to find one until last year, but even then, I didn't get anywhere. I don't think I really have the skills that employers are looking for, and there aren't many employers looking in the first place. I need to try and figure some things out.
One goal is to get an amp, and I already know the one I want, so it's more of a saving up for it thing. I'm going to get it online, but I think it's the best way. The small chain guitar store around here closed, so now there is only Guitar Center. I find their service and their selection to be horrible, and their prices aren't that great, either. So, there is no real reason for me to shop there. If they had good service, I would be willing to pay a few dollars more, but the selection really leaves me no choice. I want an amp that will be loud enough for big practices with full bands and shows, but also light enough that I can carry, though I intend to put wheels on it. I found one by a brand called Tech 21 (who are based in NYC), and it's only 35 pounds, 60 Watts and one 12 inch speaker. Granted, I could get a Marshall with 2 12 inch speakers and 100 Watts for cheaper, but the Marshall weighs 50 pounds, which is a little too much for me to carry (I would also be carrying my guitar around, which probably weighs around 10 pounds). The Marshall is also cheaper, but the Tech 21 has very high ratings for quality and is made in America. I have a Marshall that was made in China and has been very durable, so I have to admit, if it weren't for the weight, I would probably go for the Marshall. At the same time, all of my guitars that I regularly use are American made, I felt it would be unfair to be running around with a cheaply made Chinese amp, not to mention I want to try and support manufacturing jobs in this country when I can, since it's rarely something most people can do. Since I have the choice, and it's a good one, I plan on making it. It's also one of the highest rated amps on Musicians Friend, and one of the few things I see on there that is on backorder. I think I'm going to have to wait until I get my tax return money back, because I'm not sure how much my phone will set me back, and even if I can get a phone for cheap, I only have EXACTLY enough in my savings for the amp, and I don't want to basically close out my account when the bill comes in. I'd like to make it so I have at least $200 in my savings after paying the amp bill.
Once I do get the amp, I plan on learning the ins and outs of it, maybe working on more songs. I need to get my Gibson set up again for rock, since it's got a setup for flat wound strings right now and I want to put regular ones back on. After that, I'm going to look into getting a few pedals, but probably only one or two. I do want to try to start another band later this year, but I want to also become more confident as a guitarist so I can play a bigger role in the goings on of said band. The first time, I was so inexperienced that they just kind of left me out of things, which made me resent what was going on behind my back. I don't really blame them, but at the same time, I kind of wish they'd have trusted me more.
I'm looking into getting a therapist now, but even that doesn't seem like it will be easy. I'm on a new health plan under work and it's awful. My dentist and eye doctor will stay the same, which is good, because I have appointments with both of them this month. But I have to get a new primary care doctor (which was something I meant to do anyway) and a new gynecologist (which I didn't want to do because I JUST found one I liked). I'm not really looking forward to it, and their site isn't helpful when it comes to looking for doctors. My eye doctor didn't show up when I searched for local eye doctors, he didn't come up, but when I put in his name, he did. My dentist came up with all the other dentists, though, which was also odd. When I specifically looked for gynecologists, I got primary care doctors who do things like pap smears, which isn't really what I am looking for. I find physicals useless, but I worry I am at high risk for ovarian cancer, so I want to get annual gynecologist checkups, not to mention I'm on the pill, which means I need to have them due to my age.
I had looked up therapists using their search feature, and today, I was feeling awful. When I came home, I was crying and yelling at my Dad, saying I must have been born a boy. To be honest, I wish it was true, even though I know it's not. I don't feel like a girl, nor do I really get treated like one. I just assume that it's because there is something wrong with me, and that's why. Anyway, I called the first one on my list, because she was nearby. I told the lady my name, and the name of the counselor I was looking for. She told me there was no one by that name there and that they were for drug addiction counseling, not mental health counseling. She made me mad because she was talking to me like I was stupid for making a simple mistake. I didn't dial the wrong number, because I could see it on my phone and on my screen. I copied the number and information using the copy paste feature, so I didn't write it down wrong (or at all). I basically hung up on her because I was having trouble breathing and was getting really mad. I don't see the need to lecture someone, since it's not like I was obviously prank calling or anything.
I called the next number, and this woman seemed to know nothing at all. I have no idea why she even picked up the phone, since she didn't know the names of any doctors in the building and told me she would have someone call tomorrow afternoon when I got home. I don't believe that they will call, since the woman didn't ask me much beside my name and phone number, not even who I was looking for or wanted to speak with. I did manage to go online and do a reverse lookup to find out that they are indeed a low income mental health clinic, so they might be able to help. They had a review that wasn't good though, so I'm not sure I want to go there.
There was another one, which was last on my list because it was further out. I did the same reverse lookup, but they had no reviews. Their website looked nicer than the other one. I'm not sure if I'll call them though, I might try the other place again. Still, I'm not sure. I wish I could go to a real therapist like I used to instead of some low income social worker/counselor who is swamped with other people who have all kinds of different problems. I find those types to be borderline useless, and I think the system in RI is more for people with drug problems than regular-ish people like me.
I don't know if any of this will work out. To be honest, nothing really feels different from ten years ago. Not the way I wanted it to be, at least. I really thought I would've moved out by now, had a boyfriend, lived in a cute apartment in the city with him. I feel like a failure, but I really want this to be the year I turn it around and do something, anything to change my situation for good. Good night, I imagine this is long.-*Duck*
<< Wednesday, Jan. 18, 2012@10:29 p.m.>>