Well, this is my first entry of 2012. I'm hoping to do at least one resolution, and that is to write more in here. I plan on trying to write and reflect on 2011, but I don't have the time for that right now.
Things have been kind of disappointing lately. I tried to hang out with Mrs. Black last week, but it wasn't very fun. She lost her health insurance and decided to start doing pot to deal with her Crohn's disease. So, now she just sits around and does nothing all day but watch TV, eat and get high. Hanging out with her was a real bore, to be honest, because every little thing I wanted to do, she managed to shoot down. Granted, I was getting upset about a lot of stupid things. Basically, work has been driving me crazy lately, Christmas made me feel alone and my social life is DOA. I thought having a fun day out with Mrs. Black would help to get me out of my funk, but that didn't even happen. I was disappointed, and I think I may have been crying a lot not just because I was sad, but because I was trying to manipulate her. It didn't work, so I don't feel that bad about it, but it's still an awful thing to do. To be honest, I don't think it ever really works anyway, and it may never.
I'm thinking of deleting my Facebook, too. There's really no point in having it since it just serves to remind me all the things my friends are up to, none of which involve me. It kind of ticks me off that they can't be bothered to invite me anywhere, or text, message or e-mail me. I hate having to invite them places, or try and plan things. They get mad when I don't know their schedules, and I get mad because they either don't reply or tell me they can't make it at the last minute so I have to cancel. Not to mention Souske is on there a lot bitching at people for getting upset about their lives, and talking about how great he is.
He's been ticking me off lately, too. I try to invite him to hang out or make plans, and he just brushes me off. He's always talking about how great he is and it makes him sound like a dick. Not to mention he seems to expect everyone around him to make plans with him and make decisions for him and drive him around. Then he goes and acts like his life is so freaking hard and everyone else has it easy. I wish my friends would make plans with me or drive me around. I have to do everything, and it's not like being home or at work is some kind of cake walk, either. I mean, he works as a cashier, so he doesn't have to do much when it's not busy, unlike me. Not to mention if he needs help, it's easy for him to get it. I kind of hate a lot of the cashiers at work because they get to screw off when it's not busy and still get paid, while I have to clean, put out product or fold clothes.
It's not like I don't have to try and clean things at home, either, or cook for myself. I just feel like people don't really get what it's like being me. I basically live alone, and yeah, my Dad pays the mortgage and bills and such. But I don't sit at home eating food and doing nothing all the time. I work as much as I can, put my money right into the checking and clean up the house, too. I try to take care of myself, it's not like anyone does my laundry for me, or cleans my room.
I guess one of my big goals for this year is to make new friends. I don't feel like any of my old/current ones are really that great. They just tend to ignore me or make me feel like I don't matter to them. I'm just tired of feeling like I have to do all the work in my own life to get things done. I'm tired of having to ask friends to hang out, to drive them around, to think of things to do. I'm tired of having to ask boys out and try and talk to them. I'm tired of hearing about everyone else getting things handed off to them while I have to work really hard and often don't get the things I wanted in the first place. I sometimes feel like a real life Frank Grimes, surrounded by at least 20 Homer Simpsons.
Sorry for my griping. I kind of imagine no one really wants to be around me because of that. It's some kind of giant feedback loop that I've gotten myself stuck into. It's not that life isn't okay sometimes, it's just not how I imagined it at this age, or how I expected it to be. One of the reasons I might leave Facebook is it just leaves the door open to so much jealousy, and no one contacts me through it anyway. Not to mention they all know my e-mail (it's on my page) and/or my phone number, which is on the mobile page. They could always e-mail me for my phone number, too, though most people I know have phones that sync with FB, which will pull my number up.
Granted, my phone has been having problems with stuff since I disabled my Facebook account. Information about various people won't update, and the Facebook app on my phone (which I can't uninstall, though I wish I could) keeps failing because my account doesn't register anymore. I don't think I will ever delete it for good, since things could change that might make me want to go back. I've only been gone a day so far, but no one seems to miss me, which kind of makes sense.
I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I wish I could move out of RI, because there really is nothing here, but without money, nothing seems possible. I do hope the economy gets better, and I can get a better job, but I was saying the same things last year (if not here, then in my head) and they didn't work out. Anyway, I might head off to bed, or play some guitar. Either way, good night! Sorry to be such a bummer, but I wanted to get some of this off my chest.-*Duck*
<< Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2012@11:31 p.m.>>