I'm not feeling very good today. I got upset at work because it was busy and I was going to get my break, but they sent someone over who didn't know anything, and so I ended up helping her out and not getting my break until 10 minutes after she came in. The woman I was supposed to work with called out, so I was alone and I had it under control, but it pissed me off that customers kept getting up my ass, not wanting to wait for even a minute for a pretzel. It also made me mad that I kept getting my breaks late and by people who aren't trained in the area AT ALL. Anyway, I was yelling, and I shook the dish rack in the back, though nothing important was on it (seriously, garbage bags are kind of hard to break if they're all rolled up with nothing in them). It irritated me when the manager asked me if I'd broken anything, because I knew I hadn't. I hit my head a few times, so now that hurts, and I banged my hand on the counter, so that hurts, too.
I got taken into the office, and they acted like I had no reason to get mad. They really don't understand AT ALL what it's like to work back there and have to deal with customers and co-workers who do absolutely nothing and come eat all the food. They don't get that I get screwed on breaks EVERY single shift I work, or that I almost always do twice the work because my stupid supervisor is lazy and doesn't get all the things we need, so I have to get twice as much to make sure we have enough.
I hate my job, I hate being totally alone back there and I hate coming home to an empty house. I hate being on Facebook and getting bitched at whenever I get upset, and then other people can get upset and everyone is there to wipe their butt for them. I didn't like how, not long after I got upset at work, FIVE people texted Sousuke to tell him what happened. It's not their business to tell him, it's MY business, and I did tell him after I got out. I'm so sick of them talking about me behind my back whenever I get like this, because if they did something like what I did, I would have the decency to not tell anyone else without asking their permission first, unless it was an emergency. It's not like Sousuke was around or could do anything to really help me, since he had the day off and was at home. I'm really glad I don't spend time with any of those people, I don't care that they're "nice" when I'm around, they're total backstabbers who lie to people's faces. It doesn't help that they're all lazy as fuck.
I'm just tired of having to deal with everything in my life. I wish something would change and I could have a few things taken off of my plate. But I know that probably won't happen. My therapist can't even be bothered to make appointments with me, my Dad can't be bothered to pay bills.
I was saying at work that I wished someone would come kill me. I wasn't lying. I don't see the point in living if it's the same thing over and over. If I don't mean as much to my friends as they mean to me. If people don't really bother to help me or get to know me. If I have to work the same shitty types of jobs all the time and have this kind of stuff happen to me, like it has at all my previous jobs. What is the point in living? I wish someone would tell me. People lie to me all the time and say they care about me, but most of them do jack shit when I need help. Even when I posted on Facebook about wanting my friends to call/text me once a month, there were some who acted like I was asking them to take me on an all expenses paid trip to Disney World. I just don't get it, but the only thing I gather from these kinds of interactions is that I don't matter to them.
I just want to fix things. I want to have friends that are there for me and support me. I want a job that actually makes me feel okay and that I don't dread. I also would LOVE to sleep at night, and wake up feeling refreshed and not tired and cranky like I always do. I try to go to bed early and stuff, but that often doesn't help.
I felt like just writing all this down. I feel bad for only writing in here when I feel like shit and have no one to talk to. Work is making me talk to these people on the phone, even though the guy I talked to today said that he recommended that I talk to a person face to face and not over the phone. I don't know what my manager was saying to him, but he apparently changed his tone and now I have to talk to someone from there once a week as part of my work agreement. That really makes me feel shitty. I hate that now they are monitoring me to make sure I'm okay and stuff. It makes me feel like an idiot who shouldn't be allowed to work. But then again, almost everything they did today made me feel that way.
My eyes still hurt and I still have a headache. Everyone is ignoring me on Facebook. It's nice to know the status quo will always be enforced.-*Duck*
<< Saturday, Feb. 25, 2012@7:04 p.m.>>