I'm writing from the computer lab again. I should've brought my computer today, but I was lazy. I was supposed to give this girl my music, and I forgot what she looked like, and then I saw her, and didn't realize it was her. I ended up giving my music to the other girl I asked, so I've decided to go and find her, because I think she is still in the Fine Arts Center, and I think her class gets out at 3 pm, or around then. I feel all guilty for forgetting what she looked like, and I blew her off on Tuesday, too, when I was too busy sleeping in the library to actually check my e-mail. I've been really bad lately, worse than usual (which is still pretty bad).
I'm sure you all know why I'm so bummed. It has to do with Bunny, of course. Saturday was kind of sucky, I slept most of the day, then went to work and tried to go to bed early, but kind of failed. I went to work Sunday and it was okay. I finished this book I read, called Welcome to the NHK. It's a really good book, though I don't know if anyone here would want to read it. It's about this guy named Sato who has become a shut in. This girl named Misaki says that she is going to help him get out of that life, but he refuses at first. Eventually, he realizes that he needs help, and she tries to help him. Unfortunately, she is as lost as he is. He also has a friend named Yamazaki who has tons of problems. Everyone in the book is kind of screwed up and not happy with their lives. It's kind of depressing, but inspiring. No matter how worthless any of the characters are or feel, they don't give up. They keep going, even if they have to find some deluded way to make sense of their lives. It makes me kind of think that we all live like that, at some point or another.
I can relate to the desire to become a shut in, too. People these days are so selfish, tiring and similar. I feel like everyone is the same these days, just thinking of themselves and no one else. I'd like to not have to deal with such stupid and selfish people all the time. I mean, it's the little things that bug me the most (it's always the little things). How no one ever seems to try to comfort someone who is sad, how idiots at work always give me $20 for a 96 cent soda, then bitch about all their change. It's like no one ever learns, they only do what is convenient for them. I try to be caring and giving and considerate, but no one ever seems to notice. Or they notice and just keep taking from me, never giving. It's tiring, it makes me just want to give up on people sometimes. I think it's such an easy way out though, and yet I can understand anyone who would take that path. If I didn't have this small amount of hope I've had since the day I was born (or so it seems) that there is some good in everything and everyone, that there is a reason for all of this, then I would give up, too. I would really like to just spend one day in my house, not going out, or even calling or IMing anyone. Just to watch TV (I've fallen behind on most shows, outside of The Office, 30 Rock and 24), sleep (I love sleep) and to read the books that I've piled up (mostly manga, but a few regular books, too). Just to forget all the hurt that seems to find it's way to me, to forget who I am for a while.
I guess it's obvious that I'm not my own biggest fan, and I know I should be, but it's so hard. It's hard to love myself when all I can see are the huge differences between me and other girls. I've come to see myself as undesirable to guys and as a friend, too. I just don't like being surrounded by people all the time, and I like the familiar, which everyone seems to hate.
Anyway, I should go now. I don't know when I'll write again, this weekend is full of work and probably schoolwork as well. I also need to go and get some stuff done, namely find this girl, she must think I'm a huge bitch. Now that I know what she looks like though, it should be easier to find her. I'm thinking of going out with Renesmee tonight, because she wrote a story about a character based on me (no one's ever done that for me before, it's exciting!) and I want to read it. I also want to go to Barnes and Noble (more books...) and FYE, I really want to get another Haruhi Suzumiya keychain. Not that anyone knows who she is. Still, I'm sure I'll check in here again, I've pretty much shut down my MySpace blog, I might write on there just to let anyone know that I'm done with MySpace. I only keep it because there's a message thing on there that Renesmee and I talk on. Other than that, I'm never on there anymore. I hate Facebook, too. Like Megan said, it's for stalkers. Bye!*Rukia*
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