Ugh. I let Bunny know how I felt. I made him a mix CD with some songs on it. He didn't like it, of course. I feel so stupid, I kind of wish I hadn't done it, not to mention it made my day super shitty.
I was going to go to a concert, but there were no parking spots downtown, not to mention I didn't feel like it. I ended up going to FYE down there, but there was nothing. I then called my Dad, crying and saying I didn't know where I was (I honestly didn't). I ended up finding my way home, going to Best Buy, getting two anime shows that I don't need. I just know I'm going to go to hell soon, because work is going to hell. I'm working all day Sunday, part of the day on Monday, most of the day Wednesday, Friday night, Saturday most of the day. I'm not happy with it. Most people think I should get a new job, and I probably should, but it's impossible. It doesn't help that my social life is in hell because of it. I'm so busy between school and work, I don't have time for myself, to make new friends, which I really need. I honestly hate my life right now, but I don't know what to do or how to do it.
I don't know if it was because it was Friday the 13th, or what, but it was horrible. I nearly got hit by an 18 wheeler, and to be honest with you, I almost wish I had just let him hit me. I mean, it would've taken Nigel and me out, and it seems as though I'm not going to do anything with my life. But then I think of those people that I love so much, that I admire, and how much I want to make them proud, and I realize how stupid and selfish I must sound. They would look down on me if I did that, I can practically hear them.
I just don't know anymore. I'm honestly not happy with myself, and I wish I could just be like other girls I know. Why do I have to be such a weirdo? Why am I the last girl to have a boyfriend, out of everyone on the planet, it seems? I'm just tired of being me. I feel like I would be a really good girlfriend, but no one wants me. I don't know why it hurts so bad, being turned down all the time, but it does. I don't want a lot, just someone to go places with, someone to be with me. I don't get how other girls can just get guys the way a flower gets bees. I can't seem to get a guy, I'm the equivalent of a silent film when it comes to guys (at least I don't think there are many guys who like silent films...).
I don't know anymore. I just know that I feel very alone, and every part of my life seems to be going wrong. I have no desire to fix any of it, I just want to get away. When Renesmee told me what his note said (I couldn't even read it, I knew what it said without looking at it, I knew it would hurt, he probably looked at the tracklisting and wrote the note, I doubt he even listened to the CD, even though it took me over an hour to make). I just want to make a CD for someone and have them like it, no one has EVER liked the things I've made for them, it makes me feel so fucking useless.
It doesn't help that I used to watch shows and be like "Oh, that's so me and Bunny." when it really wasn't at all. I don't know if I'll be able to watch some of them ever again, or look at the characters, either. I guess I just wanted it to be that way so badly that I was blinded. I really wanted someone to care about me, and I thought he was on my level. I mean, we don't have a ton in common, he doesn't like all the shows or music I like, but I felt like he would understand me on a deeper level. I swear, the kids at school seem to think he was odd, I guess I thought he would know that they see me that way, too. I thought he would understand me, but he didn't, at all. In a way, he reminds me of Tristan, in a lot of ways, really. The odd thing is, I think Tristan may have been nicer about it (his spelling and punctuation were better, which is odd, because Bunny's first language is English). I don't like Tristan anymore, I've come to think of him as cold man. I'm just surprised that Bunny would act like that, because in my mind, he has no right to. He's not nearly as cute as Tristan is/was, he's not as well read, or as interested in rock music, he honestly seems to do nothing. I shouldn't compare them, it's not right, I know, but when your heart is broken, it's hard not to think of the last person who broke it.
I know I'll find someone else, I just don't know if the story will be the same. I swore that the whole Tristan thing would never happen again, and look where I am. I swore I had changed, that I had learned my place, where I fit in this world. I don't fit with a punk boy like Tristan, but I don't fit with a nerd like Bunny, either. What the hell am I?
All I know is, if I had one wish, I would wish to wake up tomorrow as some other girl, a girl who is loved. I mean, Saya doesn't even love me. In fact, to be honest with you, I miss Fry, because he would be all sweet with me right now, while Saya is being a bitch. It's like everything that means a damn thing to me gets taken away. I really don't want to live in a world like that.
You always see stories where the guy, at his lowest point, has some girl come and pick him up, getting him back on his feet. Why don't guys do that? I could really use a guy like that, but he doesn't exist. I sometimes doubt a guy for me exists at all. I don't really want my heart to heal if it's only going to get broken again like this. I know it will break, but I'd like to be loved first, instead of just caring about someone in an aimless way. I really don't want to do anything right now but sleep and forget who I am.
<< Saturday, Feb. 14, 2009@12:36 a.m.>>