I really miss being Duck. I miss Mrs. Black being around, and how we used to hang out with R. Gosh, we were like the 3 Musketeers, or at least I pretended we were. Even though I was driving all over the state to hang out with them, it didn't bother me too much. I'm not sure why.
I've been kind of depressed since I graduated college. I realize that my life has no real future. I don't have any skills to get the jobs that exist out there now, the good ones at least. I have no way of meeting new people, since I work at night. I've tried online dating sites, but the guys on there are weird or don't reply to me.
Most of my friends have other friends and have been hanging out with them lately instead of me. It's left me feeling quite lonely. The holidays are coming up, and it makes me realize how much I miss my Grandma. I feel so alone right now, it seems each passing year I feel more alone.
My Dad has a blockage in his heart. He had to get a bunch of tests done because he passed out at the wheel a few weeks ago. I'm not sure if the blockage has anything to do with it, as he hasn't had the problem since then. He won't know until the middle of next month where or how bad it is. The idea of losing him is terrifying to me.
When I was a little girl, I always assumed that my family would be there for me, no matter what. Even though we were really small, especially when compared to the families on TV or of my classmates, I thought we would be together forever. But now I know that won't happen, but even when I realized that, I didn't think I'd be alone. I thought I'd have friends or a boyfriend, and be able to have them for comfort when my family passed away. Yet here I am, faced with the possibility that my family could be gone forever, and I will be alone. There's no boy waiting for me, no Fakir or Bunny. Mrs. Black lives six hours away, R can't drive, Hydrogen is busy, Nad is busy, Mickey is busy. They all have loves and lives. I feel like I've gone horribly wrong somewhere, like my life is some puzzle I've solved wrong, only I can't back my way out of it.
I am going to try to go back to URI and talk to the career counselor again. I'm not sure she will listen to me at all, but it is worth a shot. I think I need to go back to school and get a different degree, but I don't know in what. I want a job, one that will provide me with the freedom that I need in order to find my happiness. I don't know that that exists though.
I don't know what I did wrong, and it's going to be hard for me to make it all right. If I can even do it, which I sometimes wonder about. I am not sure what to do anymore. I feel like giving up on dating, since I don't really like any of the guys I meet. I haven't liked a guy since Fakir, which makes me worry I'm not capable of love. I miss being in school because there were cute guys there, some of them, like Fakir, who were really smart and into cool things. The guys I've met lately are dumb as rocks and childish. Or at least that's how they seem.
Sousuke and I are fighting. I don't think he really wants to make up, either. I'm not sure I want to. I've nearly destroyed my phone in anger because of him. I think it's best if we don't even hang out anymore. I feel like he doesn't try to understand me at all. And I'm sick of people trying to get us together, because it won't work. I've considered it at times myself, but he has no ambition to do anything, and he likes being cared for like a child. I want someone who can care for me every now and then, who wants to improve their life like I want to improve mine. I can't be with someone who doesn't share the same basic goals, or at least that's how I think. It doesn't help that I am not attracted to him physically. Which I know sounds shallow, but I can't be affectionate with someone I don't find attractive. I know because I've tried.
My eyes are very heavy from lack of sleep. I think I'm going to finish my lollipop (I ate one to try to calm down) and try to go to bed. I'm hoping next year will be the year I figure some things out and do at least one thing right. I really want to spread my wings and be able to create a life all my own, even if it's not what I've dreamed of all these years.-*Duck*
<< Monday, Nov. 21, 2011@11:39 p.m.>>