I am a fucking idiot. I feel socially retarded. I was on break at work today so I sent Camille a message on her cell phone, asking her how she was because I didn't know if she was around or anything. I didn't hear from her after my first break so I didn't think she had gotten it. When I came home, I checked it and was psyched to know that she had replied. Do you know what it said? "Who is this?". I sent her back a message saying "It's Kate.", but I really don't feel like she'll reply or care or remember who I am. I feel a little insulted that she didn't put my number in her cell phone because that's what I do when people give me their numbers.
I feel dumb because I probably should've known she didn't want to be my friend after the whole thing of me getting upset because my headlights went out. I'm such a drama queen and I don't feel wrong in beating myself up for being a loser like this. I just want to have lots of good friends to hang out with and a good boyfriend, but I always feel like I screw up my friendships my saying dumb things.
I feel like I did that with Meg, too because I sent her a e-mail trying to make her feel better, but I worry I might have offended her because I said I didn't really like the way her ex boyfriend (at the time, I think he isn't now, I'm not sure) treated her, but now I worry she might think I don't like him as a person. I've never met him so I really can't have an opinion on him.
The whole Camille thing hurts though, because I thought she wanted to be my friend and we got along so well. I felt like I was coming out of my shell and that she was going to be one of my best friends. Now I'm not so sure and I feel kind of dumb for even saying "Hi." to her, but I just wondered how she was doing. I think of people a lot and I like to talk to people that I'm friends with often, it makes me feel weird becuase none of my friends have ever been like that, even Katie isn't. All this stuff with Camille makes me think that she saw me crying and was scared.
I've tried so hard to overcome that stuff this summer and I feel like I've failed. I'm not sure if I care about a music degree or not since I've made no strides socially. I honestly feel like I am so far behind for a person my age in terms of my social skills. When I get enough money (I'm not sure my insurance will cover it) I am going to take a social skills class to see if it can help me becuase I worry that my social skills are horrible. I'm sorry to anyone who gets offended by how I talk, I hope you're not mad I mentioned you Meg, I'm not mad at you or anything, I just felt like an ass after reading your entry.
I'm just so easily bugged by the actions of others. I don't think other people ar e like that and when I do stuff like that to them, they either don't tell me or they aren't bothered by it. The worst is when they bottle it up and just explode at me and I don't get it. I bet I'm really annoying sometimes but I just really care about my friends because they're basically the only family that I've got and I see them that way. All I want is a really big family someday and lots of people who love me and who I love too, I just feel like I haven't made any strides toward that lately.
*Racecar*
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