Gosh, do I ever feel awful. I don't really know what to say. It's one in the morning, and I'm writing in my diary. I haven't been on lately, because, for one of the first nights of my life, I went out with my friends, but it wasn't as fun as it sounds.
We went to a football game (blah), and instead of even watching the game, Hydrogen and FiFi were bitching about guys, then, about ten minutes later, they're chatting up horny football players from a nearby town. Why is it that they have no faith in guys, yet they talk to them, and seek attention from them, and almost always get it?
All fucking day, FiFi bitched about how Mr. Lamchops dumped her, the minute she gets to my house, she spends about an hour calling him. After that, she plays some God awful r&b music for an hour, and decides she wants to go to bed. We didn't get home until eleven, and chances are, she'll wake up before me, wake me up, and want me to help her with her Italian. Then, I'll ask her for help with Photography and she'll call Mr. Lambchops or something. I know she loves him, but I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm in everyone fifteenth place.
Even tonight, I wanted to do something, but nobody fucking listened to me, and then they all bitched because of what happened (Hydrogen lost her retainer), which wouldn't have if we had gone to the ice cream place I wanted to go to.
I'm tired of being treated like I mean nothing to anyone, and all the sorries I get just don't help me feel like I mean anything. Fuck you all, okay? It's not going to make any of this better. You may think I have PMS, but I can't even do that right!
I just wish I could get rid of these feelings, and all this shit, everything. The pain from the way guys ignore me, but talk to all my friends, just because I'm shy. The pain of being the one everyone forgets about, because she's the quietest and the youngest. None of them know my birthday is less than two weeks away, I doubt they know what I even want. They'll probably all rush to Claire's and buy me makeup, though all year I've been hinting that I want cds, or some money to buy some, or any money for that matter. I really wanted a guitar, but I don't think my dad will get me one, and if he does, he's going to expect me to learn to do it myself. Who will be in my band? Probably just me. I'll have to be a fucking one man band, and I certainly feel like a man, because you all know how much attention the football players were giving me, none. I mean, it's not that I wanted any of them, but it would be nice to know that someone out there finds me attractive. Sometimes, I wonder if I should just storm into the doctor's office and beg for a sex change. I don't want to be a guy, I don't want to be a girl, because they're both fucking shitheads who are obsessed with sex in some sick perverted way, and most of them treat me like I'm an animal, or like I don't exist.
Don't try to give me that "Guys suck!" bullshit either, because it's not always true, or the other fish in the sea thing, because I don't see anything near worth an attempt at catching. Also, if you write "Guy's suck!", I will fucking scream at you through the computer until your head explodes, because this is not a time for bad grammar or some lame assed joke.
I needed to vent, I'm still angry, and I will look back on this and realize I'm being a giant asshole, but I don't care right now, I'm not thinking of the future. So, when do you think I should get that sex change? October 3rd, perhaps? Probably the best birthday present I'll ever get. I mean it, too.
Your insane friend in the sky, (too tired to use colors)
*Grape*Cloud*
<< Saturday, Sept. 21, 2002@1:21 a.m.>>