Ugh. I'm sorry I haven't written lately. I've been spending the past few days just doing boring stuff, like homework and regular work. It's been a bit of a drain on me physically, and now I am really, really tired and not interested in doing school work. I even played The Sims 2 for an hour last night, because I didn't feel like doing homework. I actually do have some to do, but I can work on it on Friday, when I have the day off from both work and school, or on Monday, which I will probably have off from both as well. Unfortunately, I didn't know about having Monday classes on Wednesday (this coming Wednesday, which is something bullshit my school does). I can't work at all on Wednesday, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to switch with someone, or if I would have to call out, or if I'd just miss my classes. The class I have that day only meets once a week, so it's a big thing if I miss it (then again, another kid missed it yesterday).
I haven't been feeling so well lately, either. I'm not just tired, I'm depressed and irritable. Let's face it, my life sucks. I don't have any friends at school, I like Bunny, but I don't want to give him the CD. I almost did today, but I wanted to see if it actually played, because it's a bit of a mess right now, it's been in the bottom of my backpack for about four months. I looked at it, and it looks bad. I put it in, and I couldn't even be bothered to listen to it, but I think the only reason it says "For Joe" when I put it in this computer is because this is the computer that made the CD, so of course it would recognize it. I am going to go and test this theory in a few minutes on another computer at school, just to see. Still, it's kind of an embarrassing looking CD, and I would have to give it to him in an envelope made out of part of my notebook because the case it was in is destroyed. I doubt it plays right, and I don't have the time to go through the whole CD and check it, I have class with him in about a half hour. I saw this neat thing over the winter break about how you can put the songs on a playlist and put the playlist on a USB drive, but those things are twenty dollars, if he didn't give it back to me, it would suck. It's kind of stupid to do that and be all like "Oh, could you give that back when you're done listening to it?". I'm not sure he will even like it, I was thinking of changing the songs around. I'm also thinking of not even bothering putting the track names down, just telling iTunes to burn it so it shows track names when put into a computer, but he might not listen to it on a computer. I don't know why I freak out over this, I probably won't give it to him. This is the second one I've made for him, the first one I messed up and it's sitting in my room.
I've been so weird lately, I don't know if anyone else has been, too. I was reading this interview a while ago, and this guy was talking about how when kids are in their early twenties they tend to listen to music they listened to in high school, instead of seeking out new stuff. I have to agree with him (when I find the interview again, I'll quote it). It's so hard in college, I just want to forget the whole thing sometimes. I mean, I feel like I'm not even alive anymore. I feel like my fear owns me so damn much. I like Bunny, but I'm afraid if I tell him about myself, he will reject me. That I'm just some gross girl, too messy and ugly to be loved. I worry he couldn't love me. He's different, too, but he still has tons of friends and stuff. I mean, if you saw him, you would know what I mean, it seems like he knows the whole school. He even has cousins and siblings going here.
I have to say, it does sometimes feel like the only good things are in the past. I feel so alone now. The only things that seem to comfort me are the old, familiar things. I feel like I've become a new person in these past two years, but I'm not sure if she is a good person or not. I just know that the old me once worked really hard, and seemed as though she was on the right path. Then, she got off the path and flew off the handle, alienated almost everyone in her life and nearly ended up in jail or the mental hospital. I don't want to be that girl again, I don't want to put myself in that position because I don't know that I could get out of it, I barely did that time.
I hate being unsure of what to do, of myself. I feel like if I don't change, right now, I won't ever be happy with myself. I just have this deep, deep down feeling that nothing would work out with Bunny. I guess it's because he's Catholic and I'm not. Sometimes I wonder if he's found this somehow, I know that odd, because it's not mentioned on my Facebook (which is the only thing he knows about) and it's not mentioned on my MySpace, either. I'm hoping that he doesn't know about this, but he's been so cold to me lately, that I just wonder if something has happened that has made him change his mind about me. I don't know anymore. I should try to get to class soon.
<< Tuesday, Feb. 10, 2009@2:45 p.m.>>