I have been really bummed out lately. Today only made me feel worse. I woke up at seven to go to work at ten, and it was okay for a while. I kept having problems with assholes coming in and trying to return shoes without boxes, UPCs or anything, and the shoes they tried to (and one did successfully) return were all so old I couldn't find anymore of them in the department. Everytime that happened, it made me feel like shit because I couldn't check it in the pricing computers we have because I was only trained to use them once and didn't have the time to memorize what to do with them. I did what I thought I was supposed to do on Sunday and the thing beeped at me. No one tried to help me on how to use it and I started crying. Now everyone at work knows I'm crazy too, and it just makes me feel worse. Even Chip Chop was staring at me like I had five heads, instead of the usual two.
I tried to go to the fireworks with my Dad tonight but the fucking cops were running it and when we found a nice spot they told us to leave and didn't give us an idea of where else to go. I am so fucking sick of living here. Everyone is fat and stupid it seems and they don't care about anyone but themselves. I want to live in the city where there is always something to do and big events are truly big and can be enjoyed by people. I just like the city better, but yet I always want to get away from people. Lately, I just wish that I could move away from everyone around me and just figure some things out.
I'm sick as well, so it hasn't helped how I have been feeling. I went to the doctor yesterday and he said that I had an ear infection in both ears, but my nose is running like there is no tomorrow, my throat is bothering me and my eyes feel like someone just took all the water out of them. I have been taking antibotics and Allegra, which tastes like dirt for people who can't swallow pills like myself. I hate being in the minority all the time. I really hate my life, I want people to be in my life and stay with me, I want to feel like I am okay and I want people to believe in me and support me. I want friends who don't want to drink, or smoke or party, because that stuff is bullshit. Anything else I can deal with, but that stuff makes me mad. Yet every teenage girl alive seems to be like that. I hate living with no real reason. I want to be in love and have someone love me, too. I want to feel like an equal to a guy, and I want to be with him for a long time, maybe even the rest of my life. I don't want to be with so many guys I need to break out a damn calculator, I just want to be in love and be loved for once. I want to feel like I AM good enough for someone for once, because I haven't felt that way in a while.
I'm just going to sleep tomorrow and probably update squareone at least once, if not two or more times. I hope to feel better because the end of the week is going to kill me. I hope to have more fun next week, because this week is so damn boring I think I could die. I really want to have fun and enjoy summer, but I feel like I don't have the time or energy to do it. I feel like I am a million miles away from what I want in my life.
I am just so tired of most of the people in my life abandoning me and making me feel like it's easy to do so. I always makes me feel like people don't feel any remorse or sadness when they stop talking to me. I don't know what is going on with me right now. I just feel like I really need some help and I don't know where to get it. I feel like I am in a rut and I want to get out but I don't know how. The song on the radio is making me cry, I've been crying every day lately and it is really making me sad. I am so tired of crying and pretty much everything that is happening to me. I feel like no one respects me, and I don't want everyone to like me, but I would like it if everyone respected me. I hope I feel better when I write in here again. Bye.
*Racecar*
<< Monday, Jul. 04, 2005@11:33 p.m.>>