Man, I think I need to just stay asleep on these Friday the 13ths. I remember the one last month was kind of bad, driving around Providence, not being able to find a parking spot, getting some DVDs because I didn't feel like going to the concert. Being incredibly hurt over Bunny (which still stings a little). I had found another guy that I liked, and I guess this was bound to happen, but now he has a girlfriend. I have no idea who it is, but I should've guessed. That stuff tends to happen when I start to like a guy. I don't know why it's bothering me though.
I'm starting to think that I don't need a guy, but rather, an illusion. Maybe I can't even handle a relationship with a real guy and I just need to imagine one. That's been the thing that bothered me most about Bunny. This whole illusion that I had, of him liking me, of him wanting to go out with me, being able to go out with me. It was a big lie. I feel guilty for even wanting that, a bit bad for it. I just liked the idea that he could've liked me, too. I totally wanted to just be with him, and feel like I couldn't love anyone else. I felt like I had reached a new type of pinnacle in loving someone.
I mean, Bunny is a huge dork, he's not that cute. He's annoying, he asks way too many questions and freaks out kind of easily. But still, there was something so damn charming about him, something so nice. The way he was so polite, the dorkiness, the sweetness. I really thought he could like me. There is a part of me that wonders where I went wrong, what I did wrong or what is wrong with me.
Does everyone have a person? Someone out there that they loved very much, that they never said a word to, that they wanted to be with, but they couldn't? Then they never forget that person, and you find someone else, someone who can occupy your mind, but you know that deep down, you'll always love that person. I sometimes wonder if the boy I liked so long ago is that person. I'll never be with him, and he'll never even know how I feel or felt, but I'll always have a part of my heart for him. I hope that someone will come along and change the way I feel about him, make it so that I love a new guy, one who knows, one who loves me, too. I just don't know that it's possible.
It's strange. How sometimes you can care for someone and all of the sudden, it's over and you know you'll never feel that way again. I feel that way about Bunny and about Tristan. I even looked at Tristan's picture today for old time's sake. Nothing, which made me so glad. I never want to feel the way I felt about him for anyone ever again, not him, not anyone. I don't know if it was love, probably not. It just felt like someone had slipped a leash around me and I belonged to someone else. I didn't feel like I was myself, and I'm still not myself, or at least not who I see myself as.
I just wish that sometimes I could know that there is someone out there for me. Someone to strive for, a way to know I won't be alone. There's this show I'm watching, which I'm starting to think is going to be the basis for my piece (my inspiration, we're supposed to have one for my electronic music class). She gives this big speech about love, and how when you have love, you don't need to worry about anything else. It's very simplistic, but I believe it. If you have love, it makes all the other stuff seem insignificant, even though other stuff matters, too.
I'm not sure what to think anymore. I would've liked to have written something about how all I've been doing is work and school lately, and how it is slowly driving me insane. Or how I went to Anime Club and everyone was kind of weird. Or how disconnected I've been feeling from the world in general. Or how much this new guy has made me want to strive to be a better person. But, that last one no longer applies, maybe because it's Friday the 13th.-*Rukia* (still a better name than Renesmee)
<< Friday, Mar. 13, 2009@11:16 p.m.>>