I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while, it seems like I haven't done anything in a while, even though I've been keeping up on some stuff. The week of my last entry was okay, I think, since I don't remember anything big from it. My Dad and I went to see "Up" and I cried a bunch of times during that movie, though everyone seemed to do so. My Dad's car is being fixed, and has been for almost a month now (I think it will be a month Wednesday, I hope it doesn't get that far). So, he's been driving mine whenever we go somewhere, which means he has been slowly draining out my gas tank and not refilling it. I hate it when he does that.
Last weekend, I didn't work a lot at all, so I figured I would get some work done. I worked on my composition homework everyday, and still managed to only get one miniature done, and it wasn't even in good shape. I worked on the second one, and just finished it about ten minutes ago. I started work on the third one as well, and should have that done sometime Tuesday (hopefully, though that's ideal, I imagine it will get done Wednesday night when I get home from work). My teacher wants me to do two a week, but it just seems so hard. It's only a minute or so of music, but a minute is about 40 measures, so doing two is 80. I usually only write about 20 a week, which isn't much. It doesn't help that instead of writing for one or two instruments like I normally do, I'm writing for three. Granted, two of them are classical guitar, which should be easy (but somehow isn't, I totally screwed up on the writing for it in the first movement, don't ask why), but they're not. The third is violin, which I sort of haven't written for before (I say sort of, but I did a few years ago for Music Theory 4, but the piece was so jumpy that it couldn't be played on the violin). While I think my piece this time is playable, I don't think it sounds good. I'm never sure whether to start with a harmony and then add a melody, or write the melody first and find a harmony around it. I usually write the melody first, I find writing a melody around a harmony makes the melody boring and stagnant. But, when I write the melody first, the harmony ends up being all over the place. That is what happened with the first miniature, and the second one is kind of that way, too (though not nearly as bad).
The worst part is, I don't even have good titles for these things. Should I just give them random names from the baby name book? Should I name them after the characters they are based on? Should I use tropes? Character types? I went with character types for now, so the first miniature is called "The Hero" the second "The Princess" the third is currently called "John Doe" but I'm not sure what I will really call it, since that doesn't fit in with the first two. This whole thing is just one huge mess, I'm wishing I had gone with doing four movements like I wanted to, but I thought this would be fun for a change.
She also gave me some listening assignments, but it's hard to do because I'm really not at school that often, since I didn't have a guitar lesson last week. I don't have lessons with her anymore, either it's all through e-mail now. Which is great, because I have a ton of questions on notation for harmonics on the violin, since there are at least two or three ways of writing them, just like there are for guitar. Seriously, I don't know why they can't come up with some decision on how it should be done, one way that is always used by everyone. Then again, I don't know why I keep missing words and letters as I type. Anyway, I had forgotten what I was supposed to listen to, and did my usual thing of doing no listening at all, which is really bad. I have such a hard time listening to music if it doesn't interest me somehow. It makes it hard to do these dumb listening assignments for classes. I did find the piece on YouTube, and listened to it for a bit, but if I tell her that, she'll get mad at me for not getting a copy of the score. It just honestly doesn't help me that much. I have no idea what will help me, it's kind of stressing me out.
The worst part of all, is I was trying to do all of this while my back was killing me. I don't know what I did, but on Saturday night, when I went to bed, my back was killing me. It bothered me on Sunday and Monday, too. So much so, that all I did on Monday when I got home from work was lay down and rest. I did that on Tuesday and Wednesday as well, calling out of work on Wednesday for the first time in six months. I honestly thought I was going to have to go to the doctor, but I didn't. My back felt a bit better on Thursday and for some reason, going to a nice movie theater to see "The Hangover" helped. I actually think my Dad liked the movie more than I did, which was odd.
We rode around after that, which was nice, but brought back the usual batch of memories, which reminded me how much I've screwed up my life recently. Man, you think I'd done drugs or killed someone, or got pregnant. No, all I did was alienate a bunch of people and screw up my own head. It somehow feels much worse than if I had killed someone. I have to admit, I want to know why I feel so inadequate around people, why it's so hard for me to start a conversation. I also want to know why I went crazy while I was at UMass, and even for a while when I came back. I want to make sure it never happens again.
I also am having the usual (for me) friend problems. Renesmee has been irritating me lately, and it seems like she doesn't even care. She's just been so selfish lately. She e-mailed me four times in the past two days, and none of it had anything to do with why I've been acting weird to her. I'm just mad because even when I confide in her, she's just like "Oh, go watch some anime, that'll make you feel better." She honestly said that yesterday and I wanted to slap her upside her head. As if my problems don't merit discussion. Seriously, I do like anime, but it's not the solution to any of my problems right now, it could even be the cause of some of them. Whenever it's one of her problems though, I have to hear her bitch and bitch and bitch some more. The next time she does that to me, I'm just going to say "Oh, why don't you watch Twilight?" You think I'm bad with anime? I don't have three copies of Bleach, but she has three of Twilight.
I really need to make more friends, I just don't know how. I think that things between Renesmee and I are falling apart, and I'm only really trying to keep things together for our trip to Disney World in August. Part of me hopes that it has to do with her friend (and my former friend) Dancer's wedding on August 1st. Still, the other part of me worries that she wants a boyfriend and thinks that Dancer will find her one. Being friends with Dancer means she has to do the stuff Dancer does, and a lot of that goes against my own personal beliefs. If she becomes good friends with Dancer, she's going to change and start criticizing me for stuff, though she already does that. I plan on moving next year anyway, but I'm not sure how that will pan out. Basically, there is a very good chance I will come out of this year completely friendless.
It's not like I haven't walked down that road before, or will do so again. I don't want to, I hate being alone. I hate feeling like no one understands me. But the way people treat me always hurts. I'm tired of girls treating me like I'm dirt, guys thinking I'm worthless. I want to reach out to people, but my own fears always push me away.
I've decided that I want to try and make an earnest effort to make new friends. I'm going to forget about finding a boyfriend until I get some good friends, at least two. If that situation ever becomes stable, I will trying to meet someone through them, or even on my own. It reminds me of that old League of Gentlemen sketch where the guy goes into the dating service. The woman there makes fun of him for needing one, saying that it's pathetic and creepy. She says that people meet people through their friends, and that meeting through a tape or ad is creepy (which honestly, it kind of is). I mean, the internet makes it easier for people to meet, but it still seems creepy.
I'm going to go to bed now. It took me a half hour to write this, so it's almost 2 am now. Goodnight.*Racecar*
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