I'm sorry that I haven't written in here in forever. It's not that I don't have the time, it's that I've been wasting it on stupid things. Like: working on my story (which I haven't touched in almost a week, it's about 80 some odd pages now, I've decided just to make it some 150 page book type thing, I know I can expand it in some places. Still, I've been working on it for over a year now, and it's still not in good enough shape to show anyone and I'm terrified when it's done people will say I've wasted my time.), playing guitar (while watching TV, it's a bad habit of mine), talking to some loser guy from UMass (I will explain that), watching my usual shows (though Princess Tutu is very awesome, if not for all the ballet and classical music, and most, if not all of it, is from the Romantic Era, I felt like I was in class again, but in a good way. Oh, and it has a lot of plot points from European fairy tales, which somehow makes it even better.) and kind of being depressed. It sometimes feels like my life is on repeat as of lately.
I'll start off with the whole "guy from UMass" thing, since that's what has been bothering me lately. I unlocked my AIM, because I figured no one would bother me. There was Edmond, of course (I think that's in the last entry), and then this idiot. He annoyed me when I was at UMass, because he's one of those people who wants to hang out all the time. Honestly, I don't mind it on weekends, but I can't hang out that much on weeknights because I have class in the morning, and I have homework to do (which I slack off on, but still...). It doesn't help when I work at night sometimes, too, or when my classes run late. I rarely have time to hang out during the school year, and even now I'm being lazy, it's very sad. I worry my life will never change because of it. Anyway, he didn't want to be friends with me back when I was at UMass because I wouldn't hang out with him on a weeknight and I had a bad day and he got in my face at dinner. I got mad at him for sneaking up on me, and he got mad at me for being mad. I mean, I was in a new place, with no friends and all kinds of problems. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. So, he IMed me, wanting to hang out THAT night (it was Monday, and I had plans in the morning with Renesmee). He was like "Oh, I liked you back then." I told him I suspected it (some idiot told me not long after I left there) and he said "Why didn't you do anything?". That made me mad, I mean, if you have feelings for someone, I think you have to try and let them know, and that it's your responsibility to do so, not theirs. Heck, back then, he tried to set me up with a guy, I figured he was just being weird. So, I asked him if he wanted to hang out Thursday, and he said okay. He asked for my cell phone number, and I gave it to him. He asked for my picture, too, but I didn't want to give it to him because I don't honestly trust him and I don't get why I should give my picture to someone who went to school with me, I mean I know it was a while ago, but I haven't changed much in the looks department.
He was online Tuesday night, and he had no idea what he wanted to do on Thursday or what time, or even where we would meet. I didn't honestly care, there was a part of me that didn't want to even see him again. Yet, I feel like I'm too judgmental with people and I need to give people a chance. When Thursday came, he didn't call me, and he wasn't online, so there was really nothing I could do. I went out with my Dad instead, and we got a new, small table for the kitchen, though he insists on painting it himself (it was unfinished, I wanted him to get it finished there, because I think it will take him forever to do it himself). He IMed me on Friday and asked what happened, and I told him I couldn't contact him, and I figured he would get in touch with me. Still, he didn't IM me back to explain what happened. Then, he IMed me last night, wanting to hang out, but I had work Sunday morning (it's Monday now, damn, it takes forever for me to write these!). He asked for my picture again, but I didn't want to give it to him, so I didn't say anything in hopes that he would ask something else. He IMed me a few times after, but I was playing guitar and then I was trying to work on fixing some things in my violin miniatures for Thursday. When I decided to go to bed, I had to shut down my computer, and what he wrote came up. Honestly, he was being a real asshole, he was like "Why is it so impossible to have a conversation with you?" and then he wrote "Hello." in a huge font. I mean, people go off IM or forget about it all the time, there's no reason to get mad. He really didn't call my cell phone Thursday, I don't get what he expected me to do. So, I blocked him from IM again. I don't feel like dealing with it, I don't want to deal with anyone like that right now, or ever, really.
I just was really depressed about it, because I thought that he was telling me he liked me as a joke or something. I'm just one of those people who doesn't trust guys easily and I just think that most of them are just as bad as women when it comes to mind games. I hate how they act all high and mighty about it when I've had more than my share of guys being buttholes to me. He sounded so creepy when he was telling me how he felt about me, I mean, that was almost two years ago and I don't think he knew me that well then. I would like to think he wouldn't know me well at all now. Gosh, I really hope that I have changed, I don't know if anyone who reads this would agree with me, but I like to think I have.
I'm just tired of dealing with jerks, it seems like most girls my age have met at least one nice guy. I can't even manage that, at least not one that likes me. I don't get it, is it something with me, or them or both? I feel like I don't fit in in RI, I'm not sure where I fit in. When I move, I'm not sure where I should go. It makes me kind of sad though, because I remember when I was younger, how I used to feel like I could live here forever. I miss being young sometimes. Having a few friends, a Mom and a Dad, and a house that I wasn't totally ashamed of. I feel like my whole life is in ruins now, and I don't even know where to start rebuilding, I feel so alone in doing so, and I'm scared. I don't know why I'm scared, just that I am. I think it's a fear of being hurt, I tend to get hurt a lot by people, but I know it's mostly because I'm too sensitive.
Anyway, I really should go to bed now. I'm listening to the 90's Music playlist on iTunes, that's how I got to writing about being young. It's kind of nice though, if only because it seems like most of the people I admire made music in the 90's. It makes me think of what they would do in my situation, and how they went through hard times, too. I like to think of how strong they are now, and maybe I can be that way someday, too. It seems like there are a few people out there who think I can do something with my life, and at least I can take comfort in that. Oh, and being able to write 15 measures of violin music a day. Go me.-*Rukia*(who will look back on this and laugh)
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