I'm sorry that I haven't updated in a while, but that seems to be a common thing with me. I've decided that I'm only going to update when I want to and just write about whatever. Sometimes I feel guilty for going on and on about stupid stuff in here, stuff that few would understand or read. Then again, I remember that the reason I'm making this blog is so that I might read it years and years from now (I do read old entries every now and then, I don't know if anyone else does on this diary or their own) and get an idea of the person I was back then. The things I talk the most about are the ones that are on my mind the most. It's only right of me to reflect what is on my mind right now, and not what I think others would want to read. I've never been popular, online or in real life, so it's worthless for me to try and please anyone else.
I'm only really writing in here because something has been bothering me for the past day or so. It's a story that only people who have read entries dating back two years or so, but I can't rewrite the whole story here, for reasons which are usual for me. Let me just say that I am worried that someone who wouldn't want to read this will read this. The person is no longer in my life, and I don't want them to be, but I don't want needless drama, either. My life so far has had plenty of needless drama that I created myself, for no real reason at all. I'm going to try and avoid that from now on, not that I'm good at that sort of thing.
You see, I was once friends with this guy, who I'll call Edmond (feel free to guess the reference). I had a crush on Edmond when I first met him, and when he wanted to hang out with me, I obliged. Still, I liked him, so I was really shy and a huge pushover. When the school semester ended, I didn't see him again, so I figured that was over. Then, when I was working at Wal Mart (the one near me, circa 2006), he was there and gave me his card. I called him up, and I still sort of liked him, but not as much as before. He asked me out, but had said something offensive before (asking me how many guys I'd been with and how far I'd gone with them). He told me to tell him if I ever got offended, so I later worked up the courage to e-mail him and let him know. He got mad at me, and we once again stopped talking. Then, he IMed me a year later, and we started talking and hanging out a bit. I was under the full influence of a certain person, so when he wanted to help me get a boyfriend, I said yes.
I even let him kiss me, even though I didn't want him to. Why? Because I cared (or thought I did) about someone so much that I would do anything to be the ideal girl in his mind. I didn't realize this at the time, but he could never care for me in that way and I would never be what he wanted, nothing new for me, really. I even told Edmond about him, and he was supportive of me at first. Then, Edmond found this blog, and was mad at me for what I'd said about the last time we met (in 2006). Edmond didn't tell me he was mad, but instead talked all crazy. He eventually told me, but I assumed the damage had been done, because he wouldn't accept my apologies or explanations (that was the theme of 2007, really).
I left for UMass, and figured it was over. It wasn't. When I came back home and got my old job back (which we all know didn't last long), he IMed me again. I lost my job not long after we started talking again. I was so upset that I IMed him, seeking comfort. He told me that I deserved to lose my job because I was a psycho and all kinds of other things. I got angry at him and we had another fight. He was still mad at me from over the summer, even though he acted like he had forgiven me, which made me very angry with him. I ended up having to lock my AIM so that only those on my buddy list could message me, and I blocked his screen name as well.
Since then, I've been through some more shit and put myself through a lot of grief that I maybe shouldn't. I've managed to hurt myself a few times, most recently with Bunny. I'm at the point in my life where I'll probably end up dating most anything that is a guy close to my own age, because I'm not sure I'll ever be with the type of guy I really want. One of the things Edmond said was that no guy would want me. I thought this was in anger, but part of me worries that there's truth buried underneath it.
I shut off the block last night on my AIM, and of course, Edmond IMed me. I didn't know what to say, or what to do, and there was no one around. So, I said nothing at all. He left me alone after a while, but it bothered me all night and into today as well. It's even bothering me a bit right now, which is probably a problem on my part. At first, Edmond wondered how he knew the screen name, but the last thing he wrote was "You remind me of this guitar player I knew.". I imagine he realized that was my screen name, and I'm the type of predictable person who has had the same screen name for 7 years now, I'm not about to get rid of it (for old times' sake, of course).
I just have to wonder if I did the right thing. I don't want to talk to him again and get dragged down like all the other times. Yet, I do want to grow up more and have friends to hang out with. I just don't think Edmond is/was a good friend, at least not for me. I wouldn't even know what to say to him, I'm not sure that I've changed. That was actually my biggest worry, that he would read what I wrote to him and realize I haven't changed a bit.
I'd like to think that I have changed, that I have grown up a bit. I don't want to stay the same forever, I don't want to be the naive girl who thinks love will come to her doorstep. I don't want to hurt anyone that I love, certainly not the way I did back then. I don't want to hurt myself like that, either. I ruined so many things that year, things I can never replace. Yet the life I am leading now is ringing a bit false to me, like I should be doing so much more. I feel like I've done nothing with my life so far, except struggled at every turn possible. I want to be so much more than what everyone seems to see in me.
I feel like I was rude to Edmond, but I worry that talking to him would cause me to regress to who I was before. Or worse, that he would make me feel bad about myself, or make me realize I've done nothing with my life so far. I'm starting to worry that all the progress of the past year and a half has been an illusion. The troubling thing is, I can't figure out why, how or what caused me to change, if I changed at all. There had to be a reason, right? I kind of want there to be something, so I can cherish it forever. I feel like I've been reborn, in a way, but I've done nothing with it, which makes me feel bad, too. I don't know how to feel, and I don't know who to talk to about it, because it seems like no one would understand. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone who isn't me. It always makes sense when I read these things. I like the opinions of others sometimes.
Anyway, I need to go to bed, I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in almost a week now, if not more. Good night.
*Rukia*
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