I don't know why, but I have been more restless and lazy lately than I ever have been in my entire life. You see, on Tuesday, I had these two projects due, so I spent most of Monday afternoon (and night) working on them. I nearly smashed my computer and had a really bad panic attack. I don't know why, but I keep having them. I'm just so nervous, because I have three projects due next week, and I can't start on most of them until over the weekend. I'm just really nervous right now, but I also don't want to do anything.
It just feels like nothing is worth it anymore, I mean, what good is all this bullshit I'm learning going to do? I thought life was about living, and this isn't living. It's not coming home to an empty house everyday, spending three hours or more on the computer, sleeping only half the night, doing shitty busy work that makes no sense and feeling like an ugly fatass. I just feel like there's got to be more than this, and I want it, and I want it now.
I want to be able to be free and go do what I want with my life. I don't want to worry what others will think, or any of that bullshit. But I can't. I can't even get out of my fucking house on weekends, and it just pisses me off. I'm 16, and I have NO independence, because a bunch of people decided to go out and have babies in 1986. I'm so fucking sick of kids, too, and I just feel so awful.
Do you ever feel like you're just the second choice for everything? That's how I feel. I just don't know where this will end. I'm tired of having to change for everyone, and I'm really tired of writing. Just let me be until I feel better, and it probably won't be until next week sometime. Or the week after. Bye.
*Racecar*
<< Wednesday, Jan. 08, 2003@3:09 p.m.>>