I don't know what is going on with me. I just feel like writing, even though I should be going to get lunch so I can meet with Bunny at one. I don't feel like it at all. I got no sleep last night, I spent most of the night coughing up my lungs. I then started crying and eventually fell asleep for no real reason at all. Getting to school this morning was a hassle because the roads near my house are all flooded. I was late to my exam today and finished it early. I was online for a bit (I have my computer with me because I thought I was going to get some work done, but it's not going to happen), but then I fell asleep for a couple of hours. I had another dream about Bunny asking me out again, this time we were in a large group of people in a practice room (I have no idea how they all fit in there) and he asked me to go to Newbury Comics with him after school, but it was today, so I couldn't go. He even said Newbury like I would've said, which means he was probably just the equivalent of a doll for my mind to project my own dreams on.
I'm terrified of seeing him today, because I KNOW I will mess up on his part. I'm worried I will start crying (I did the other day, but I managed to choke back my tears) and he will become afraid of me. I can't tell him all the stupid things I would write in here. I can't tell him those things, even though I want to. Do you know why? Because he would reject me. There is no doubt in my mind, even though I think he is a good person deep down, and even though I do like, that he wouldn't like me. I mean, I'm overweight, I'm short, I don't talk often because I think that I am stupid, the list goes on.
I thought about it last night, about how I wish I could just open up to him. I wish I could tell him everything and he'd be okay with it. I want him to hug me and just listen. I want him to say something like "You think that people see you that way, but they don't.". Still, my heart tells me not want this, and my brain tells me not to expect it. I have to act like nothing is wrong, I have to hide myself from him, because if he found me out, he would run off and that would be worse.
I just feel like love is never going to happen for me. Everyone seems to think I'm immature, and no one seems to share my interests around here. It doesn't help that everyone thinks I'm stupid, that I'm not allowed to do all the fun things the students everyone loves can do. It's hard to be yourself when you don't have confidence, but when no one else seems to have confidence in you, it's even worse. This semester has done nothing for my self esteem, and it's made me want to hide under the covers more than ever before.
I see my friends have had boyfriends and girlfriends, or they have them now. I used to think that no matter how messed up you were, someone would be able to see through that. No one has seen me like that. Every view that anyone has had of me has been wrong in some way or another. I'm not even sure of who I am right now. I don't know if I'm who I want to be, or if I'm doing what I want. I don't think I am. I've been hating school for so long that it's insane. Even finally being secure in a music department hasn't done much.
I had my jury yesterday and even that went odd. It doesn't matter how good or bad I do, I'm never going to be able to play the challenging pieces I would like to play. The first thing they said when I finished playing was "Didn't she study with Joel last semester?" Joel is the (fake) name of the kid who taught me in the prep program last spring. He was at least two years younger than me, and remembered seeing me on the bus in high school. He wasn't a bad teacher, but to be 21 and learning from a 19 year old does nothing for one's ego, especially since I had actually been playing guitar for longer than him.
I'm just tired of feeling like a charity case. I want to feel like a woman, to be treated like one. I often forget that I am one, to be honest. Guys don't pay attention to me, I get my period once in a blue moon and I don't have a Mom or anything to talk about stuff with. I felt so awkward at the gynecologist that I stopped going. I hate Oprah (though she weighs the same as me now). I mostly hate what the fuck happened to me. For one moment, I felt like I was on the right track, and now I'm not. I have to pretend to eat lunch, then bust my butt to go see Bunny. Let's hope I don't make a fool of myself in front of him,too.
*Racecar*
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