I really need to write in this more. Last night was kind of boring. I waited for Bleach to download and watched it. Yeah, I'm still obsessed with that show. I think it's going to end soon though, but I heard that the current arc is going to end soon.
I also watched Project Runway, which maybe some of you have watched. I was so hoping that Christian would win, because even though he's young (he's my age), he's talented. I could see him becoming really good someday, if he had the means to do so. I think it's weird that he won the competition and the fan favorite, I didn't think it was possible. I was surprised he was the fan favorite, because he can be kind of annoying. I just know that I liked him because he was the one who had the least out of all of them, yet he made it work (as Tim would say). Like how he basically sleeps and works in a closet, while the others had decent sized apartments and steady jobs. Christian was just fresh out of school, like most people my age and he really needed a boost to make it in a creative industry. Those kinds of industries are really hard to make it big in, or even make a living in. I hope he does good, I think he deserves it. He was also probably the most interesting person on the show, though Chris was pretty odd, too, but I thought his clothes were too drag queen like for a real woman to wear.
Not much else is going on. I've been working on my composition for school, which I should be working on now, as well. I have to put in various markings like slurs, accents and such. I have to change some harmonies and some rhythms, too. I started doing that last night, but I'm not done on either part. Lee has heard the parts. I'm probably going to make them into mp3s and e-mail them to whoever wants to hear it. So, on Sunday, if you guys want, I can e-mail you and let you download it as an mp3. I can also send anyone who has a version of Finale the actual file so you can see and hear it. I really like this mp3 thing, it's a new feature in Finale PrintMusic 2008, and it's probably in all the Finales, except for Notepad. I honestly think it was worth the upgrade, though there is so much about Finale I'm just learning. It's not as bad a program as I thought, if you know how to use it.
I've been really irritable lately. I just feel kind of sick and have been since last Friday. I haven't been sleeping much, either, staying up late and feeling bad at night. I was crying the other night about my Mom. I feel like a bad daughter sometimes, and even though she's dead, I still have nightmares about her. She usually strangles me and tells me that I'm a bad daughter and tries to kill me. I haven't had one of those dreams in a while though. I just feel mad at her in a way, like she intended to die when she did and it didn't feel fair to me. I know life isn't fair, but it just hurt me how she WANTED to die, instead of staying with my Dad and I as long as she could. There was a girl on Celebrity Rehab talking about how she was mad at her mom for dying and I started crying.
I've been feeling bad about other stuff, too. I really miss Katie sometimes, I miss having a best friend, someone I could talk to who listened. I really don't know if there has been anyone who has taken her place. Not to mention that she has a blog on MySpace that is open to anyone who has MySpace to read. It makes me sad how she's becoming an adult, and I'm still a kid. She's got a boyfriend and a job, she knows what she wants to do with her life and people ask her to make art for them and even pay for it. I honestly think she will marry Bobby (her boyfriend), they just seem so right for each other. It sucks that that had to tear us apart. I really shouldn't be jealous, I know it's a bad thing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been so bad and allowed my emotions to control everything else in my life. I'm sure everyone has noticed it. I just feel so stupid.
No one ever asks me to play guitar for them, or even write a piece for them. I don't think that the boy for me is near me, I often don't think he exists at all. It makes me kind of sad. I've had an interview every month since I lost my job, and they all fell through and I don't even know why. I ran out of money three months ago and I can't go out and do and buy all the things that make me happy. I don't know how I'm doing in my classes, but I would have to say that it's not good. I have to take classes over the summer, too, so I'm not looking forward to that, either. I want to go somewhere on Spring Break, just for a day, just to Boston, or New York City (probably Boston). I just want to get away for a day and forget all the bullshit of Rhode Island, all the stuff that makes me nervous.
A few people have said this year is going to be good. I can only hope that they are right, but I'm just not sure anymore. I see signs that it will be good, but signs that it will be bad, too. I have the feeling it's going to be the end of the road for Nigel, my car, my trusty Jetta of the past three years. My car has 144k miles on it, and that means the transmission is going to go within 10,000 miles (from what I've read, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). That means I will probably need another transmission before the end of the year. I'm just not sure it would be worth it with the mileage, and I sure as hell can't afford it. I can't afford another car, either, though I wish I could.
I just want to get away from everything right now. I don't think anything will be good for me until I can get out of college and move out on my own. I'm not even sure where I would go, or what I would do. Lee suggested that I write songs for movies and tv shows, which would be a huge dream for me. Anyway, I'll write more later, maybe tomorrow or Saturday. Bye!-Kate
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