I can't really sleep right now. I've been busy lately. I had to change a bunch of things to my pieces, so I'm not even sure if they sound the same as they once did. I need a title for Friday, if anyone has any ideas. I was thinking of naming it "September 5th". That was kind of the day that changed everything for me, and if you're curious, go back to the second entry of Sep. 5th,2002. That was the day my Mom died, and it was sad, but it honestly felt like my life split in half that day. Before that, I had a family that was kind of okay, nothing big, but it was still a family and I had someone who was there when I got home. My Mom and I didn't really get along well, even near the end, when she had reconciled with my Dad, we were still fighting. That really hurt, that, and the feeling that she killed herself, going out to eat for my Grandma's birthday even though the doctors had told her numerous times that her immune system was too weak to handle going anywhere, especially for several hours.
Still, it was a tough 18 months when she was sick, the toughest thing I have had to go through in my life so far. In a way, it was probably for the best, as she had been suffering and didn't want to go on. I can understand that, they said that there was no hope for a cure to her cancer.
That day, I felt like I had been freed. My mother was very judgmental of me and I felt like I couldn't be who I wanted to be. I had to talk about liking boys even though I really didn't, for fear she would think I was a lesbian (which I'm not, I'm just a late bloomer), I couldn't tell her what I wanted to do with my life because she would judge me. I'm sure that she would not be happy with me now, with my dogs and my cat, my car with too many miles on it and my friends, who I'm not really very similar to. Yet, that day allowed me to grow up the way I wanted to and become who I am now. While I am not the best person in the world, and have been a really bad person these past 18 months, I'm trying to turn things around. If it were not for that day, I would not be a musician, I don't know what I would be, or what I would be doing. Hell, I don't even know what I would be listening to. I can't for sure say how that day has changed me fully, it feels like a million years ago now, but it's really only been 5 and a half years and a few days.
I do miss that time in my life though. I miss the late nights staying up with Felisha and waxing philosophical on all kinds of weird stuff, mostly love. I miss feeling like a kid, being innocent. I grew up on that day, I feel like I became an adult, like I was on my own. I have my Dad and hopefully will for a long time, but he works a lot and there were some things I just had to learn on my own.
I've tried to keep my innocence, which is probably impossible. I think that I am on the right path, even though I have wavered from it a lot in the past year and a half. Still, if you guys have suggestions about titles, let me know. If you want to hear the piece, please e-mail me, most of you know my yahoo! e-mail. I have another one, but I don't want to give it out here, just in case there are spambots or something. Also, I don't check my other e-mails as often. Still, any ideas anyone has are helpful, and if you want to hear it, it would make me really happy. I can send it to you in an mp3 format or the Finale format so you can look at the score, for all you music theory nerds out there (which is almost no one, really). I have to go to bed now. Goodnight!-*Racecar*
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