I have been throughly stressed lately and I think it is making me sick. I'm going to have to try and go by the doctor's office tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment because I think my ear is infected and I do not have time to have it looked at on Saturday or on Friday, though I would like to go tomrorow, those assholes won't let me. I hate doctors (sorry Meg) it's not all of them, but the majority just don't care anymore. They could try and get the drug companies to charge less for their medications that are either useless or have been around for years. They always charge a hundred or more a visit and it seems like it is for nothing. They rush in and out of the room for that much money and it makes me sick. I think too many doctors have forgotten that it is about helping the patient and that if you don't, you won't have the patient for very long, unless they're an idiot like me and have the worst health plan in the country. Pretty much every other regular family doctor is in Connecticut, which is at least thirty minutes away, depending on where I go. They also put the phones on busy where I go and it pisses me off that they don't just get someone to work the phones if they're so damn busy, which also should mean they are making money and have the money to pay someone for that. I'm worried about my ear and I'm just really angry that nothing is going right anymore.
The transcript that I brought to my high school last week got sent back to the college, which really pissed me off. They always treated me like shit in high school and I never want to go back there ever again. Mr. Lambchops talked to me today and he told me he wants to punch most of the people he knew in high school and I do, too. It just makes me think of all the shit that happened when I see them and it makes me feel weird because I'm not like them. I'm really angry right now, and I'm just so sick of things going wrong. I just want something to go right and there has got to be a light at the end of this tunnel.
I'm listening to the radio and it is making me kind of sad. I really miss Carbon and I never have the time to call her and hang out with her anymore, which sucks because I think she wants to hang out with me, now. I want to ride around in my car with other people and just have fun. I'm so sick of being lonely and just working, working and then working some more. It makes me really sad and I just want to have fun like I used to. College fucking sucks because I have NO free time anymore and I can't even spend or cash the checks that I am getting in. I am going to see a new therapist on Tuesday, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am banging my head against a wall all the time and I'm not getting anywhere.
I hate the way that you feel this need to have to graduate in four years when it is impossible these days. I wish the whole damn system of society and being normal and abnormal would go away. I wish the government would quit worrying about one woman who is dying and worry about those who are dying because they cannot afford healthcare or the medicine they need. Healthcare in this country is becoming a fucking joke, just like the cars we make that get about twenty miles to the gallon when a Japanese car that costs less or about the same will get forty. I don't see a fucking person in the goverment doing a damn thing about this and I think it's because they are all a bunch of pro life idiots. It's nice that you are against aborotion and you believe in God, but there are other problems in this country that are more pressing in my opinion. I'm sure more people die or get close to it from lack of healthcare than from abortions. I don't get why someone who wants to die and who is terminally ill can't just die instead of suffering for years when there won't be a cure to their problem.
I don't know what I understand and don't understand anymore, but I just needed to get all of this off of my chest because I feel like no one else notices. Congress ought to be punished for what they did Sunday, because it was out of bounds and that whole thing should be just left in the courts. I just don't like the idea of Congress doing that to other families, too and I wouldn't want that to happen to me. It just makes me feel like the politicans care more about one woman than about the rest of the country, and they care more about their agendas than anything else. It seems like some politicans are dirtier than hookers.
I just wanted to get out some of my frustration because I just feel like nothing is going to change. Some people dream of stupid and impossible things and I do, too. Yet, one of my biggest dreams was to leave this life behind, change my name and go live somewhere else. I want to be in the city because that is where I belong, I don't want to drive my car anymore, I want to just give it to my Dad and he can run it into the ground. I want to be able to go to concerts every night, good ones and I want to be a part of the music scene somewhere. I really just want to find new docotors and new friends, not that Carbon is a bad friend, but I really feel like all the shit around here messes with me and she probably can see or hear that when we hang out. I feel like I can't keep this up and I am so angry, I feel like all of this is stuff I can do nothing about, at least not as fast as I want to. Good night.
*Racecar*
<< Thursday, Mar. 24, 2005@10:10 p.m.>>