It feels weird to update now when it's Christmas Eve and everyone is busy with their families. The holidays are kind of depressing for me, my family is so small, and I want to go out for New Years Eve, but I have no one to go out with or anywhere to go. I'm probably just going to stay in and watch the Law and Order:SVU marathon. I love that show, but I think they should put Detective Munch in more of the episodes, he's my favorite, he's so bitter and sarcastic and weird. Not that I don't like Benson and Stabler, though I hate the episodes without Benson, and they seem to be more and more lately. House is on soon, I think I'll watch that and then go to bed, I'm really tired.
I don't know what to think about Tristan, he has been on my mind a lot lately. I subscribed to his blog just to see all the old stuff he wrote and to know when he updates. I learned that his birthday is May 7th, which I didn't know. It was funny though, he listed the names of people who died at twenty seven and then wondered if he would. Most of those people had killed themselves, been murdered or died of drug abuse. I just thought that was weird, because unless he gets murdered (which I would highly doubt) he is going to make it to twenty eight, and probably much further than that. It kind of bothers me how he is a bit of a man whore, I have to wonder if that's a phase that all guys go through or if he is just like that. He wondered why girls didn't bother him when he was in a relationship, which is weird because I thought that was obvious. I don't think most women like to take guys from other women, I know I don't. I don't think he really understands women, he thinks most of them are mean and while there are some bitches out there, I don't think there are any girls that are intentionally bad.
I still really like him, but I just don't know what to say. I really want to let him know that I understand him, but I feel really stupid liking him. I think he would think it's stupid for me to like him if I told him that I did. I have decided that I won't tell him unless I'm dying or something. That probably won't happen, but I can only imagine that his response would be bad, like most people I have told about him. I just have this deep down doubt about it, but then I think of how much I like him. Still, you never know what it's like where he is, he really seems like he doesn't want to be with just one person. I really hope it's a phase for him, and not even for my sake, I just think he would make a great husband to some lucky girl, I don't know why I think that, or why I would write that.
Not much else is going on. I'm really tired from work and I think I'm just going to go over my audition stuff for Berklee really quickly before going to bed. I just hope that this new year holds something better for me. My new goal will be to have a boyfriend before the end of the year, even if it doesn't last long. I guess thinking about Tristan so much has just gotten me in that mindset. I feel weird being kind of boy crazy at the age of twenty. Why am I always behind people? Yet, I still get told by others that I am mature. If I am, why am I so far behind everyone else? I don't know if I really mature, sometimes I think I am, but sometimes I don't think I am.
I'm going to go play guitar now and do some other stuff. I think I'm just going to stay subscribed to his blog, I bet he won't even notice, which is okay with me. How come I get this feeling about Tristan? The kind of feeling that we're meant to be together? I think it's just wishful thinking on my part. I am sorry that I write about him so much, I ought to change the title of this to: "How Much I Love Tristan". I'll get over it, hopefully and then I can write about my mundane little life. Bye!-Kate
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