I almost want to send this to him, but I don't want to ruin everything, at least having him as a friend. Something is wrong with me, but I'm going to try and shake this out of my mind. I just want someone to read it so they can see how I think of all this that's been going on for a little over three months now. Here it is:Dear Tristan,
I am not sure why I am writing to you, I guess I have just felt more and more compelled to do so as of late. There are so many things that I want to tell you, but you probably won�t read any of it, or maybe you do, but you never have anything to write in return. You honestly confuse me, but then again I probably frighten you, I know you are a bit afraid of people. I imagine I might be even scarier because I am very friendly with you, even though I don�t know you. It�s just that every time I write to you, it�s like all the blood comes rushing through me with some kind of strength that it rarely has. I just feel so giddy and happy, yet scared at the same time, scared of what you think, of what you might write back to me. I worry that you think I am weird or stupid or ugly. I really just want to know what I look like to you, in your eyes, how you feel about me. I worry it is obvious how I feel about you, that you have known for a while now. I am so sorry if it frightens you in any way, I hope you know that that is not my intent. I�m not honestly sure what my intent is. I feel a way about you that I doubt you could return to me and that the people who know me find weird. Even I find it weird, I worry about myself because of the way that I feel towards you, I worry that there is something wrong with me. There is, but I just never imagined it to be like this.
I want you to know that when I read the things you write, I feel like I understand, even though I haven�t been through all of those things. I wish I could explain to you how the feelings that you�ve felt and the things that you�ve gone through are similar to things that I have experienced. I just feel like you would understand me as much as I understand you, or at least I feel like I understand you. I could be wrong. I feel like we would be good together, because we both have similar habits and views on life. I just don�t know how to explain it to you, but you remind me of me so much, yet you are different from me, too. When you say you are falling down, it just makes me want to come over there and pick you up, or fall with you so you have some company down there. I really want you to be happy, but I wish that that somehow included me. I want to be your girlfriend, and just typing that took lots of gall on my part. I would at least like to talk to you on a regular basis, sometimes it feels like I am writing to the wall and not to you. I know you can read what I write, I know you understand, but I�m just not sure how you feel or what you think. You�re harder to read than a book in Latin, but I do feel bad typing that, that�s for sure. Still, I love you anyway, even with all of the stuff you�ve done.
I�m just not sure what to do. It�s probably best for me to get over you that way I can stop this crazy feeling. I just wanted you to know that you are the guy that I have been dreaming of. You�re like the perfect guy, the one that I imagined but could never put a face on. I just feel like it�s you, I keep thinking that maybe we are meant for each other. I could see myself spending my life with you, but that really makes no sense and has no logic to it. I just think that you are the example of the guy that I want to be with someday, maybe not that guy, but very close. I wish you were that guy, but I�m not entirely sure if it�s because I just don�t feel like looking or because you really are. I partly wish you would just tell me that I�m a fucking idiot and that you could never love me because of who I am, where I live and what I look like. I know that you like women who are Spanish, and I don�t have a drop of Spanish blood in my body, I look like I am Irish, though I�m not, I�m mostly English and Scottish. I even thought about trying to pass myself off as a Spanish girl, but that would never work. I wish you could tell me that I am beautiful to you, regardless of the color of my eyes or my skin, or my hair. I have to admit that I�ve cried several times thinking of how you would think that I�m ugly. I think you are so handsome, and it kind of hurts that you�ll probably never find me attractive.
I must sound stupid to you, reading this kind of makes me feel dumb. I just wanted you to know how I feel about you, that I really love you. I have no idea why, I don�t know if anyone can explain it, if you can find someone, let me know. Maybe you understand, maybe this has happened to you before, maybe you have felt this way for someone else. I�m so confused about this, I don�t know what to do, I feel like you might know what to do, or you could maybe snap me out of it if you said what you think. I feel like I am under some type of spell, maybe if you break it I will be my old self again. The way I was before I thought of you the way I do now. I will try my hardest to stop liking you, thinking about you and everything. This is just my way of reconciling with reality and not my childish fantasy.
Love (for now), Kate
<< Thursday, Dec. 28, 2006@7:16 p.m.>>