Dear Tristan,
I haven't written you a letter like this in a while, I've been feelings really sick. It turns out that I am anemic and it could be from the Lamictal that I am on. I honestly think that it is depression too, because I can't stop crying or sleeping and I really don't want to do very much anymore. I can still laugh and stuff, but I just really don't feel like my heart is in anything anymore.
I kind of feel like you don't care about me, since we really haven't had a meaningful conversation in a while. I can never tell whether you like me or not, it's so frustrating. I'm listening to iTunes and it's on Shuffle and there's slow song on, I wish I could dance to it with you. I've always wanted to slow dance with a guy as handsome and sweet as you, just put my head on your shoulders and forget my worries. I just don't feel like that will ever happen. I just want to talk to you on AIM or something, just a long back and forth conversation, but you don't seem to want to, and it kind of hurts.
Nothing really good has been going on lately, I'm pretty depressed about the state of things lately. Fry being sick has put us into some deep debt, and my Dad is working overtime, which means I don't get to see him today, or yesterday. I talked to my Grandma about the cop and everything, but she seems to think I am a bad driver. I just don't feel like having someone taunt me and I don't feel like she understands me. It just really makes me miss Katie, because I feel like she would understand me and I know I would feel better talking to her. Then again, near the end I could never talk to her very much anyway, but still, I don't know if anyone realizes how much it hurts to have your best friend not talk to you ever again after calling you a selfish, spoiled, shit friend. I know I will see her around town, and that's the worst thing, because it's a constant reminder of how easy it would be for her to come over to my house, or call me and how she probably never will. It also reminds me of how much fun we used to have together. I know I'll have other friends, but I just don't feel like I'll have another good friend like her for a while and I just worry that maybe her and Rick are right about me, and that I am a bad friend. Losing her as a friend was a huge blow for me.
Not much else is going on really. I have been to bummed out to do anything, I have just been sleeping and going to work. I actually have been getting upset at work a lot and it is making it hard for me to finish my work. I have to try and call my doctor again tomorrow and see if he will adjust my medications, because I cannot keep going on like this, I can't take another day like this, let alone another two weeks. I hope I can get to talk to him or maybe see him sometime this week. I called him on Friday and left a message, but they didn't try to call me back. I really am starting to hate him because all of these medications I have been on have only gotten me into more trouble and I am actually pretty unhappy, if you can't tell.
I have to go to bed now, but I really wanted to write you a letter that I will never send you to let you know what was going on. I know Megan wanted to read one, too. Goodnight my French prince (yeah, I call him that, that's sad).-Kate
<< Monday, Aug. 06, 2007@1:32 a.m.>>