I can't sleep. I wrote him a note, but he didn't reply. Why can't I sleep then? I have to admit that it bums me out, but in a way, it's best for him to just not say anything. I worry that he knows that I like him, that somehow it shows through. I'm going to try and pretend that I don't like him anymore, then maybe it will be true.
I almost want to get up and play guitar, since I have to be up at eight am for my fucking stupid car. I really just want to call them and have them tell me that they're not going to be able to do it or that they're not going to be able to do it today. I came home late last night, at eleven thirty, I was hungry so I had to eat and I had to finish playing guitar, because of my audtion at Berklee. I also wrote him a note because I thought it wasn't a mistake to, but it was. I am such an idiot for liking him, I hate the way that I pin my hopes to one thing all the time, even this damn Berklee thing.
I just need to get out of here so badly. I just want to be a new person, I want to be loved, I want to stop having nightmares about my Mom. It's not fucking normal, no one that I know is having nightmares about their mom trying to kill them, and yet I am. She is always so damn angry in my dreams. He is in my dreams sometimes, too. He always loves me and gives me kisses. That's got to be the stupidest dream ever, how and why could/would I let myself think that?
It bugs me that guys keep bothering me on there though, I don't want any ugly ass fucking idiots bothering me. It's like the whole world is telling me that I can't be with any cute, smart, sweet guy, like I just have to settle for some fucking ugly idiot who only wants sex. If that's how it's supposed to be, then I'll just be alone. It feels like there is no guy out there for me right now, not even a guy that I could just go out with once.
I am lactating like a pregnant woman. I hate my body so fucking much, it's worthless. I'm just so mad at myself for fucking thinking that he would understand, for thinking that any guy would understand. I just figured that since I'm twenty years old and still haven't kissed a guy that maybe it was my chance for once, my time. I was wrong again and it just makes me mad. I'm mad at him right now and I think I'm going to stay this way until I completely get over him.
In a way it is nice because I am free again, but I really didn't want to be free in the first place. I mean I know it's crazy, but I just want a boyfriend already. I feel like I am grown up enough, I see girls who are five years younger than me and they have boyfriends, and most of them are fucking idiots. I am just made at myself for being wrong when I wanted so badly to be right. Instead, everyone else was right, which is probably a sign that I was wrong in the first place, so I'm sorry that I didn't listen to anyone's advice. I probably should listen more often to others who know more and can see clearly. My vision is so blurry right now I wonder if I am really wearing my glasses.
I have to try and get some sleep before I have to get up in the morning, though that's in less than an hour, so I might just get washed up and watch some tv and play guitar. Either way, I'm just kind of upset, I know it's stupid, but it bothers me.-Kate
<< Tuesday, Jan. 02, 2007@6:34 a.m.>>