I'm sorry I haven't been writing in here lately. These past twenty four hours have left me feeling like shit. I took my medicine that the psychiatrist gave me and it made me very sick. I tried to go to the movies with Camille, but we ended up leaving not even an hour into it. We didn't try to get a refund though, which kind of sucked. I ended up sleeping for two hours, then having to cancel my guitar lesson and going back to bed. I slept from about six thirty until midnight. I woke up for about an hour, watched The Office, ate a peanut butter sandwhich and a banana and some milk. I went back to bed around one and then woke up around seven, but I am thinking of going back to bed.
I am so tired of all these doctors appointments and all this dumb shit that I have to do. I don't know what I am doing anymore, I have no idea if I am coming or going and it seems like everything that happens is just messing me up. I really don't feel like I am getting better I feel like I am getting worse. This damn pill is obvioulsy not the one for me, if there are any for me that is.
I think I'm just going to stay awake, I really want to straighten things out, play guitar (I didn't get to yesterday, I spent too much time passing out). Guess what? My car isn't running! Isn't that fun? Apparently the alarm system is on and won't let my Dad start my car because it thinks that it is stolen. I am so sick of that car, of everyone trying to fix it and just making it worse. I thought it would be so easy for my Dad to just plug in the system and turn it back on, and yet he can't. The plug is broken, Speedcraft doesn't have any left and so that will have to wait until at least Tuesday. I have no idea what is going to happen, I just want someone to talk to, but if I call my Grandma she'll flip out and Katie isn't awake yet. I just can't believe that all this shit is happening to me.
I also think that I offended Tristan somehow, but I'm not sure. I honestly don't know what to make of him, but I have figured out why I like him, even though he is far away. He never has to see me acting stupid, or know how messed up I am, but I still feel like he would understand me. He kind of seems like the light at the end of the tunnel for me, too. Like if I am really good in this life and if I manage to keep myself in one piece and be a good person, that I could end up with a guy like him. I know I probably wouldn't end up with him, though I know that would make me happy. I don't think it would make him happy though, I don't think that he thinks I am good looking, and I'm starting to not like the way I look either, not that I ever liked the way I look.
I don't know what to make of anything anymore. I don't feel good at all and everything is a mess lately, partly because of that fucking pill I took, partly because of work and I just don't know what to do. I really wish that I had the money to get a new car, because I would in a heartbeat. I would get a Honda Civic hybrid, blue with fabric interior, which is an option these days. I'd want a nice cd changer and a good stereo system. I bet those things handle like my car, if not better and I bet they're safer and more reliable. It was funny, because Camille has the same problems with her Beetle as I have with my Jetta, so she likes VWs too, but understands that they are a pain in the ass and doesn't really want one anymore, either.
I'm thinking of writing Tristan and asking him if I've offended him or not, but I don't want to bother him too much, because that could make it worse. I am not sure what to do when it comes to him at all, I have lots of explaining to do. I would really love to write him something now, but I don't want to write him two things in one week because I just don't want to bother him. I really like him, but I don't want him to hate me, or to think I'm a pain in the ass, even though I probably am. I keep thinking of him, if he knew how often he is in my thoughts, he would probably freak out. I think I would do the same if someone was thinking of me like that, but no one ever has. I almost want to tell him how I feel about him, but that would be really dumb.
I don't think I will write anything else, today has just been a really odd day, and it's not even near halfway through. I just want to stay awake and make it through because that's all I can do right now. I just wish that some people would make things easier for me, but that's not going to happen. I feel like crying.-Kate
<< Friday, Jan. 05, 2007@8:38 a.m.>>