Well, I don't think anyone is reading this anymore, which is fine by me, since no one was reading this when I first started it anyway.
Things haven't changed since I last wrote, except that the person I like is acting all wierd now, which has kind of made me worried. In a way, I still like them, but I've kind of started to reconsider the whole thing. I'm such a loser when it comes to guys, I must be the only girl my age (or one of the few) who hasn't kissed a guy, let alone held hands with one. The only guy I ever danced with was Perscocho, and he's turned into a bigger idiot than he was when I liked him, so you can tell that's over.
FiFi and Mr. Lambchops are going out again, which I don't understand, and, of course, the supposed best friend (me) gets to be left in the dust about everything. I can't believe the way I've felt lately. I'm either on my way to becoming depressed, come out of it, or in the middle of it, though I honestly can't tell/decide what I am anymore. All I know is, if I don't stop feeling so lonely and used soon, I'll probably stop caring about everything else in my life as well.
Have you ever wanted to give up on everything in your life? Just let yourself slip away into oblivion, even though you honestly don't know what's going to happen to you there? I feel that way quite often, mostly when I'm left alone, around the holidays (even today), the summer. The fall helps a bit, and hopefully my birthday will make me realize that someone cares about me, but for the next thirty one days, I think I'll be stuck in this funk of mine.
Anyway, whenever I feel that way, like now, I try to let myself slip, and ignore everything in my life. Yet, there's always some voice, in my head, that tells me to keep going. "Racecar! You have to do it, you're still here for a reason!" it says. I'm pretty sure it's my conscience, and sometimes I wish it would just shut up, but it doesn't. I keep going, but I honestly wish that someone could tell me what this is all for.
I don't even know what path I want to take in my life, so what is all this going to do for me? There are things that mean a ton to me in this life, but nothing ever comes of them. People tell me I should be a writer, but like I have said before, I honestly don't feel happy that way.
I've been in Welfare Town all my life. I was born in the capital city of Welfare State. I have never been outside of this country for more than a week. I have never lived in any other house than this one my whole life, and all my friends have been so many places, it makes my head want to spin. Not only that, but they've done so many things. I honestly feel like I haven't lived yet, and if I become a writer, since there is a minute chance that I'l be sucessful (about 5%) and a 95% chance I won't, I'll have to do something else for money. I'll probably end up working in a cubicle in Welfare State's capital.
That's not what I want at all. I want to see the world, I want to go to every state in this country, and make at least one friend in each of them (think of the money I'll spend on the internet then, considering I'll have people to talk to!). I want to die, and know that I've seen as many things at two eyes (with crappy glasses) can possibly see. I just feel like nothing I'm doing now is going to help me with any of that. I guess I'm still as restless as I was last year.
I think I'm going to have to learn to leave everyone I know now behind anyway. They don't support me now, and they won't later, in a way, I honestly can't wait to tell them, because I'm just so sick of the way that they treat me. I wonder if I'll ever know anyone who actually cares about me, because I tend to scare those who do (even in the slightest) away. Enough blabbering, I think I'll try to sort things out in my mind, and do my homework. The things people do, it's just so insane sometimes. I think we're all a bit needy (no I'm not high). Bye!
Your insane friend in the sky,
*Grape*Cloud*
<< Monday, Sept. 02, 2002@1:14 p.m.>>