I haven't been feeling well lately. I'm tired of everyone getting on my ass about my mistakes lately and yesterday was so bad it made me sick. I didn't feel very good today, though I am feeling a bit better. I'm putting cds on my computer so that they'll go on my iPod, though I only have about four gigs on there now and I actually am not sure what is missing because it seems like most of the cds I like are on there.
I slept most of today and didn't get much work done. I am just so confused about everything that is going on with me right now. Tomorrow I have to actually get some work done so I might not play guitar because I have to study for a test for school, work on analyzing a piece that I can't seem to listen to and work on my sight singing, along with my piano playing. I am just so lazy, I really don't want to do anything anymore, I think the depression is staring to win over me.
I keep thinking about Tristan of course, but that has become quite normal for me now. He looked at my page today, though I am not sure why because I hadn't messaged him in a few days. I almost think that there is something he wants to say to me, but I am not sure what it is. I wish I knew what was going on with him, he confuses me so much. Someday I think I will figure him out, I feel like I am already starting to. I just wish that he would say something to me if he has to, I don't think it will bother me. If he doesn't like me, it will free me of this mindset of the past few months and if he does like me, then it will make me really happy. If he has a question to ask, I'd probably answer it, as long as it's not a question like the ones the Scummy Boy asked me, but I don't think he is that stupid. I almost feel like telling him to tell me whatever it is he wants to tell me. I just feel like he is always holding back when I talk to him, but I am not sure why. He doesn't seem like he would be more shy than I am, but I'm not sure if I scare him. I don't think he read my story, but if you don't know, he IS Theo pretty much.
For the story, I just took the things he wrote in French, fictionalized them and rewrote them in English. The whole thing about a girl breaking up with him because he wouldn't go to a play with her? That really happened to him and he really is like that. I worry that he might have taken that the wrong way, I was trying to show him how I saw him, to show him that he really is beautiful to me and that it's not his fault that girls treat him like shit sometimes. I felt bad for kind of copying an incident in his own life like that, though. The rest of the chapters (I'm working on two but I am so sick that I haven't gotten far and what I have written I have wanted to erase) are going to veer off from that and something is going to happen to him that will change his life forever, but for the better. I think I will create a character that is based on me, but I am not sure, there are quite a few people who are going to be in it though.
I'm going to work on that sometime this week though and I will write more in here later as well. Bye.-Kate
<< Saturday, Feb. 03, 2007@11:48 p.m.>>