I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I haven't been up to much. I've been working, going to school, going to concerts at school, and watching my usual shows. I don't know if anyone has been watching Parks and Recreation (it's on at 8:30 on Thursdays before the Office and after My Name is Earl, which I gave up on long ago). The main character is alot like Michael from the Office, but is a girl. I can't for the life of me remember her name, but I like her. She's optimistic and likes a guy who will never like her. Sometimes I feel that way. I feel a bit selfish for wanting a character to relate to in a story, or maybe it's self centered. Still, that is always something that I do whenever I watch a show. I always find a character to relate to.
I'm kind of sick of hearing about love right now. It seems like every relationship that I've been hearing about is going horribly wrong. It makes me feel better about being alone, in a way, but it also makes me worry that love is non existent these days. I mean, why is almost ever girl I know so damned desperate to be in a relationship? So willing to settle for the first guy who says "Yes."? I mean, I can't even get a guy to say yes to me, but I wouldn't go for the first thing offered, unless I was sure. It seems like most girls these days just take what they're offered right away, whether or not the guy is worthy of them. The girls that have been getting married lately aren't even sure that they love the guy. I know there are jitters, but aren't you sure, deep within your heart? It seems like something that would just be automatic. I feel like if I ended up with a guy, I would know in my heart, no matter what happened, that he would be right for me.
I don't really want someone right now, anyway. I mean, it would be nice to have someone to share things with, but I don't think I'm in the right point in my life (still...). I guess I feel lucky that all these things aren't happening to me. I have to admit, I have had some bad luck with guys, but I have dodged many a bullet. The Scummy Guy, Bunny... they both could've ended up so controlling, trying to get me to do things I didn't want to do. Still, I'm a bit too independent to fall for someone who would boss me around like that, or at least to actually listen to the guy.
I just get irritated about hearing about it every five seconds. If you're so stupid as to enter into a sham marriage like that, I'm not sure what to tell you. It gets annoying though, I guess because I've been feeling a little down on myself. I don't know why though, which is the weird part.
I feel like I'm still stuck in the rut from last year. I guess I never really got out of it. Not to mention my fear of going out on my own. You see, my plan is to get out of here not long after my birthday next year. I hope to have about $2,000 saved up so I can move away. But I don't know where, or how. I'm also terrified that another UMass incident will happen again. I'm worried I'll go crazy away from home, and get locked into a mental hospital.
My Dad says that I have changed, and I feel it in my gut, but I am so afraid of the person that I was then. I feel as though that girl was dangerous to herself, and to others as well. I don't want her to return, I'd like to pretend that she never existed to begin with. Still, that is a fear of mine. I also don't know why or how I have changed, what caused me to grow up or whatever happened to me. My Grandma says it's because of Renesmee, but I'd like to think it was more my doing than anyone else's.
I just can't wait for school to end, because as those of you who know me well know, I'm not the type to study for exams, or even worry about them. But it feels like a waste of my time in general. I mean, as long as I don't fail them, I should be fine, and I doubt I'll fail, because I've done well on the tests which have the material for the exams. All I really have to do is show up and do my best.
Anyway, that is what going on right now. I'll write more later, though I'm not sure when later will be, considering the last time I wrote "later" it was almost three weeks ago. I'm just surprised that anyone is still reading this. Bye!-*Rukia*/*Racecar* (split personalities, I tell you!)
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