I have to write this, because I have been having some weird dreams lately, and they all involve one person. I did have this one horrible dream about Bunny. He had apparently murdered someone in a museum, and I had been in there as well. I was going to buy some earrings that a woman had worn before she was murdered, but decided not to get them. I sat down to read a magazine, and then all of the sudden, I heard about someone else getting murdered. I knew right away it was Bunny who did it (I don't know how I knew). I chased after him and found him. I then grabbed him by his coat and yelled at him, telling him he would go to jail because I knew he'd done it. I don't know why I was so mad at him, it seemed irrational, as I didn't know if he'd really killed the person or not. He did get caught because of me, but he didn't put up a fight or anything, which was odd. I think I am just really mad at him, probably because he didn't even give me a chance. It didn't help that his piece for the composer's concert was about unrequited love. I didn't listen to it because the concert was long and I had to drive Jody home (plus I had work the next morning), but it just sucked.
No, these dreams have been about Carbon. So, I wanted to write something to her, even though she won't read this. I don't know if she remembers that this diary still exists, though I know she knows about my MySpace. I just need to write this somewhere to get some kind of closure, I know I'll never get the kind I really need. I just wish I could stop having dreams about her where we're friends again. It doesn't help that we still like a lot of the same things, as far as music goes and TV shows. We even both like Bleach, which hurts a lot, because that meant so damn much to me after almost everyone in my life turned their backs on me. I really almost wish that she would wake up one day and say she doesn't like Bleach, because out of all the things I like right now, that is the one that feels like it's mine and not hers. I actually stopped reading/watching InuYasha because she liked it so much, and Kagome reminds me of her. Yeah, I'm childish.
So, I'm going to write it in here. Feel free to skip over it, though maybe someone should read it. It doesn't matter to me, as this is just really for me (everything I write these days seems to be that way).
Carbon,
I'm not even sure what to say anymore. I don't know that I was ever sure what to say, I'm not nearly as good with words as I used to be. All I know is this: I miss you. I miss coloring in coloring books of Disney Princesses. I miss Halloween with you, and walks on the bike path. Talking on the phone everyday. You saying I was like a sister to you (you were like a sister to me, too). I miss everything, every minute I miss in a different way.
I wish we could be friends again. I feel like we still have a lot in common, though you might deny it. We could totally talk about Bleach together, I bet you like the same characters as I do. We could talk about music, it seems as if you always like the bands I like, we could even go to a concert together. Ted Leo is playing here in June, we should go.
Then again, I doubt you could or would forgive me. You've never been a forgiven person, and I know you've admitted it to other people. I'm surprised that Felisha hasn't tried to get us talking again, but then again, she isn't really around to try. She knows how stubborn you are, too.
Still, this isn't about her, it's about me. I just wanted to tell you some things from my heart. I miss you being my biggest fan, and I swear you were, though your whole family seemed to like me, it was so nice. I wish I had listened to my Dad that day you called me. I wish I had never called you back when I was so angry like that, I don't know why I couldn't control myself. I wish I had never broken that bowl, or written you that angry e-mail. I wish your sister had never butted into our friendship like she did. I think she wanted me out of your life so you could take care of her niece. I thought it was selfish of her to do that. I don't care though, because it's obvious who won that battle.
When I saw you the other week, I was hoping you'd say hi to me, maybe even smile at me. That look in your eyes told me you were just as mad as ever. You didn't even say a word, so cold. I mean, I didn't mean to make eye contact with you, it was an honest accident. I was so shook up at seeing you, I didn't even find the bread I was looking for (I was in the bread aisle). I ended up getting some bullshit bread that I don't really like. I even walked over to the books to look at the Bleach books, to try and remind myself of the person I am (not that it helps, since you like Bleach, too).
I don't know what to say. I get the feeling that you don't miss me that much. Even if you do, you'll never forgive me. Maybe what I did was really that unforgivable. Still, I wanted you to know one thing you never took into account: out of all the bad things I wrote about you, in here and on my bullshit MySpace (and it is bullshit, that's why I'm almost never on it anymore), there was much more good stuff. Whenever I said anything bad about you, I must've said at least three or four good things, if not more. Do sisters really shun each other over stupid bullshit like that? I don't think so, but I could be wrong. I'm an only child after all.
I can't believe it's been two years and it still fucking bothers me. I think I'm going to go and delete my whole MySpace blog right now, because I should've done that a long time ago. Not that it will change anything, you'll always be gone. I get the feeling we will never be friends again. I don't know why it still bothers me when I have another best friend now, and you have a boyfriend. Oh, and just to restate the obvious, yes, I was jealous. I get green with envy very often. You don't know how badly I would love a boyfriend of my own, and how terrified I am that I will never find one, as someone once said.
I just miss you, and I'm a fucking retard for what I did. I was so mean to everyone that year, it wasn't just you. It was everyone. I hurt so many people, I feel like Hitler. I'm terrified to reach out to people for fear of hurting anyone like that again. Even though there are some awesome kids at school I would love to be friends with, and even go out with, I don't know that I ever will because of that fear. I'm stuck in the past, while you are free to move on with your future. Consider that my long term punishment for what I did. I sometimes think it suits the crime, and sometimes it doesn't. It doesn't matter, I can't be forgiven.-Kate
Thanks if anyone read that. I guess my fear has been showing more and more lately. My throat just wants to close and my eyes are getting teary. I don't know what is wrong with me these days. I get the feeling this summer will suck, but I wish something would prove me wrong. I'm thinking of joining a book club or something, I really need to make more friends and open my heart again. I want to be good again, I want to show myself that I am a good girl who can love and have friends without being a wreck. I hope that's possible.-*Racecar*
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