I haven't updated in forever, which is kind of sad. I've been super lazy lately, and until recently I wasn't working much. I've been looking for other jobs, to no avail. As with everyone right now, there isn't much out there and employers are being super picky because they can be. I just want a full time job with benefits, but right now that seems impossible. Even finding a holiday job is proving harder than I thought it would be.
This week has been hellish. I worked 28 hours in the past four days, and I've been sick for most of it. I haven't slept much, either, which is much worse when you're already sick. Still, I need to work more hours to save up money, because when my student loans come up in December, I imagine I'm going to have to make payments of $300 a month or more, on top of my car payment of $320 a month. I really shouldn't have gotten that car until I had my loans managed. I accidentally got a federal loan for $5,000 while at URI, which sucks, because my UMASS loans are $21,000. My car cost $13,000. It's basically going to take me until I'm in my mid thirties to pay all of this debt off. It's making me really nervous, because I wanted to move out and start fresh somewhere, but I can't because of money concerns. I almost wish I hadn't gone to college at all, because I haven't gained anything from it, except a bunch of debt. If I really want to be a film composer, I'd have to move to LA, or at least somewhere where movies are made. I don't think I'll be able to do that for a while.
I'm so exhausted lately I haven't even had time to work on music, let alone practice. I wanted to start work on a violin-piano duet, to get away from the string quartet for a while. I haven't even had the time to start the chorale I need, or do research on what violin-piano duets sound like so I know what to aim for. It bothers me when I don't write for long stretches of time, because I feel like I'm not going to improve unless I work at it. Granted, it would be better if I had some musicians to actually play my music. I'm thinking of getting money together sometime to try and find people to play my music and record it. But I'm not sure how to go about that.
Not to mention I want to play in a rock band. But I don't think my guitar skills are where they need to be. I can no longer afford lessons, so I'm trying to figure out what I can do. I bought a scale book and a chord book, and plan to go over those each night. Still, it feels like pieces are missing. I need to get out and play with others, but my rock skills are those of a beginner, even though I'm almost 24 and have been playing for almost eight years now. I'm not certain anyone would be willing to baby me and be patient with me. I don't know how to find anyone to play with either, I'm wary of looking for people on the internet, though eventually I will try music stores.
As far as Fakir goes, he did call me back. We only talked for five minutes, because he was just getting home from work and I was at work. I asked him if he was going to an upcoming concert, which he wasn't. Then I asked him about his summer and such. He told me he was working 70 hours a week and played in a few parades. I think I may have talked about myself too much, I read that when you talk to people you should sound like you are interested in them and ask lots of questions, drawing the conversation away from yourself (though wouldn't a conversation go in circles if both people were trying to do that?).
I was happy to hear from him, I almost wish my phone had been off or I hadn't been near it, so I could have his voice on my voicemail. Still, the elation from talking to him was amazing. And yet, it felt kind of hollow. I got the nagging feeling that he didn't enjoy talking to me, and that he probably wouldn't talk to me again.
This guy I was talking to on Facebook was coaching me through things with Fakir. He told me that I should call him again in a few days and ask if he wanted to go get coffee and talk music. I did call him a few days after he called me. I left a message, but Blake started barking while I was talking, so I'm not sure he heard me or understood what I was saying. Still, he didn't call me back after that.
I did go to a concert almost two weeks ago because I thought he was going. It turns out his new band was playing, but they played second. I came right from work, so by the time they came on I was tired, and I had work the next morning. So I ended up leaving early, and didn't get to talk to him like I wanted to. He did say "Hello." to me and asked me how I was doing, but that was only in passing and after another kid from school said "Hello.".
I might see him tomorrow when I play convocation at school, but I might not. I don't know if I should try to talk to him or not. I probably should, but I'm not sure. I don't know if I care that I won't see him again. It kind of feels like nothing will happen anyway, and I wonder if there is even a reason for me to want to go out with him.
I think I purposely like guys that I know won't like me, just so I won't have to be in a relationship. It just seems like every time I try to talk to a guy I find attractive, it ends in failure. I imagine I like the wrong guys, but I have to wonder if it's on purpose. Even the guy that was supposed to help me with Fakir, the one I mentioned before, admitted the other night that he likes me. I honestly felt a little betrayed by that. I feel like he was just being nice to me to try and get close to me, and not really trying to help or be a friend. Does anyone know what I mean? I don't like him, either. He treats me like a little kid. When I told him I went to a friend's party, he didn't ask if I had a good time, but immediately asked if I was okay, because he thought I'd get raped or something. A friend of his had that almost happen to her at a party. Then when we had that hurricane come up the coast earlier in the month, he called me to ask if I was okay because he said RI got evacuated (it didn't). I don't like that kind of stuff, that babying me. I'm almost 24, not 12, I don't need anyone treating me like a baby or a little girl. I'm an adult, a young adult, and I don't know a lot, but I know enough.
Not much else is going on. R and I had some kind of falling out and now she's friends with Mrs. Black and not me. I kind of miss her, but I kind of don't. Our whole friendship was based on two things: 1. Me needing someone to hang out with and 2. her needing someone to give her rides. We didn't have much in common, and she didn't value me as a friend. Not to mention she wasn't very supportive of me in anything, even though I tried to be a supportive of her as possible (she was a writer, but I never read anything she wrote, not even the Bleach fanfic she supposedly wrote). I'll never forget how, when I was at her house, finding out how Bunny felt about me, she did nothing to really console me. She later gave me grief about the whole thing, which hurt a lot, because she was one of the ones who encouraged me to give him that CD. I don't know why, but that still stings a little.
Anyway, I hope to write more often, but I never know. I'm going to play guitar now and then try to get some rest. I want to do a good job tomorrow, but I'm not sure if that will happen. Then again, I could be screwing myself over right now by playing around on the internet. Good night!-*Duck*
<< Wednesday, Sept. 29, 2010@10:19 p.m.>>