I wanted to write something about Fakir for a while, and I figure now is probably the best time to write about it, since I've been kind of thinking about him a lot (see the last entry).
I was reading about love this week, and about the kinds of things that can lead to love. One of those things is having admiration for that person, and I know that I admire Fakir greatly. In fact, I kind of worry that he won't be able to admire me at all. The things that he does are quite similar to the things I do, since he writes his own music, plays many instruments and even works a regular, boring job that is similar to mine (though he works almost everyday and has been there a year longer than I've worked at my own job).
He gave me his cell phone earlier this week, and when I called him, he didn't answer. He had told me in his message to me that he probably wouldn't, and that I could leave him a message and he would call me back. His phone rang for what seemed like forever (I think it was probably 8 rings), until finally, his answering machine kicked in. His voice was very serious and professional sounding, with none of the snark that I can sometimes hear when he talks in class. "Hi, you've reached the voice mail of Fakir (he actually said both his first and last names here), I'm not able to answer my phone right now, but please leave your name and number and I will get back to you." Then the message thing went off, the Verizion one and I left a nervous message. I felt weird because his voicemail is so formal, mine says something like: "Hello, this is Duck, if you meant to call me, please leave your name and number and I'll call you back." I always worry people are calling me by accident, since people used to call my number, meaning to call my Dad's.
This whole experience with Fakir is kind of odd. I feel like each guy I like causes me to react differently. I'm not sure if it's because of my age, or if it's because of the guys themselves, it's probably a bit of both.
For example, Bunny always brought out the side of me that was very quiet and afraid. I could admire him up close quite often, much more than I can Fakir. But I never made much of an effort to be close to him, or do things to bring us closer. I wouldn't say I was totally content with how things were, but I think I was too afraid to do much. I don't think it was all Bunny's fault, but knowing he was a Catholic boy with no real knowledge of a lot of the things I loved (such as rock music, which I get the feeling he hates), I think I knew deep down that it was stupid to like him.
I first started liking Fakir around the same time as I liked Bunny. That had to do with the whole thing of Bunny being friends with Fakir on Facebook. I recognized Fakir's name and looked at his page. I realized we had quite a few things in common, and got all excited at the idea of seeing him in the fall. This was back in the fall of 2008, and I remember the first time he sat down next to me in history class after coming in late. I was mentally wondering where Fakir was, checking the door and looking at every desk. Suddenly, this dorky kid walked in and sat down next to me. I got into my whole "I'm so much better than that" attitude, and kind of moved away from his side as much as I could (while still being in my desk, of course).
When the kid spoke, he had a nasal voice, he really sounded like a nerd. I didn't realize it was Fakir (who had a head cold) until the teacher called his name and I got another look at his face. He actually sat next to me a few times that semester, but he never said much to me. One time, he actually sighed when we had to share scores, and so I got the feeling he thought I was stupid. At CCRI, we had never had to read scores or listen to music in class, we always did that outside of class while our teacher yammered on about all the different dates and things we needed to know. So, I was pretty bad at following scores, while Fakir was (and probably still is) very good at it. Even hearing him talk to the teacher, I knew Fakir knew a lot about music. He has all of Beethoven's symphonies memorized, as he would tell the teacher all the distinguishing characteristics of the music. I imagine he's played them, being a trombone player. But he also knows jazz and is in the jazz bands.
It's weird because I imagine I know more about Fakir than he knows about me. I almost feel odd knowing that, because it this whole phone thing works out and we do talk, it'll be hard for me to play dumb about my knowledge. I really shouldn't have to, because Mickey would say that if that information is on his Facebook page (which it is), it's fair game to know because it's the internet and anyone can see it. Still, I don't want to look creepy in his eyes. I can only imagine what the girl who rarely talks in class and never goes to outside concerts must look like in his dark brown eyes.
I just feel as though he has brought out a side of me I didn't know about it. Well, maybe I did know about her, but I think she'd been hiding for a while. He brings out the facet of my personality that just longs to be around others. Even though I'm hunkered down in my room right now with a lollipop in my mouth in front of the computer, there is a part of me that wishes she was at the movies with friends seeing Scott Pilgrim, or maybe riding around Providence like hooligans. I mean, I've seen his band play, and even tried out for his band. I don't know that I would've done that for Bunny. But it could also be that as of late, I've had this desire to open up my world and find people to share things with.
All I know is that I do admire him, and I wish more than anything he could see me as a I really am. I want to be able to make him laugh, because he has such a nice laugh. I honestly wouldn't mind just being friends with him, I almost feel like I could put my feelings aside in some way. But I've never been good at making friends, and I'm not certain that a guy like him would need more friends, he seems to have dozens. The only thing I've had a hard time figuring out is Fakir's faults. I don't know if it's my feelings that have blinded me to them, or if it's that I haven't looked deep enough, but I can't figure it out yet.
The other thing he brings out in me is the curious side. I want to know so much about him. But I also worry that if I did spend time with him, I would become this boring girl who doesn't talk. I see them a lot in the shows I watch. They ask the boys out in soft, but squeaky voices and then they don't do anything else. My fear of clamming up in front of him and not letting him see the real me is something more recent. Still, it would be fun to be around him, I think.
The reason I call him Fakir kind of sums up everything I think. I imagine I've mentioned it a bit before, but I want to mention it again. Mrs. Black, before our falling out, called me Duck, after the character from Princess Tutu. In the show, Duck and Fakir start out as enemies and then fall in love. Still, in the beginning, Fakir treats Duck like she's an idiot and kind of looks down on her. I feel like he does that to me, but it could also be in my head. Still, Duck eventually shows Fakir the truth about herself (namely that she is really a duck, like the ones the swim in lakes) and he starts to care for him. She also starts to care for him (she hated him in the beginning, yes it's one of those relationships). I have to wonder if he could learn to like me, and see things in me that I can't see in myself. I suppose only time will tell, but I kind of wanted to write about it because it was on my mind and has been ever since I called him.
I'm going to try to call him again tomorrow. The faculty at school are holding a concert next Saturday at 2pm in East Greenwich and I'm going to ask him if he's going. Not because I want to go with him, because I can't, since I'm working until 4 that day. But mostly because I need a question to ask to his machine, a question that he will hopefully try to answer by calling me. If he doesn't call back in a few days, I'm very tempted to call him up, get his machine, and leave "Stonehenge" by Spinal Tap on his voice mail. It would be funny, though I doubt he would get it, or even know it was me who did it.Bye!-*Duck*
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