Ugh. Today has been totally stupid. I haven't done anything, though I didn't really want to. I should go and do my homework, because most of it is Italian that is due tomorrow. Being the stupid person that I am, I vowed to ask Parmesan to the Senior Prom, but it turns out that I am being horribly stupid in doing so. You see, I figured he has a diary on livejournal and he does
it's here. The girl he talks about, Rachel, that's the girlfriend. Yes, I cried when I read the entries. I'm not crying anymore, but I feel really dumb about the whole thing. Allow me to pour my little heart out, starting about...now.
I just feel like it is all my fault that I am not normal like other teenage girls, something I am ever so desperate to be. Do you honestly think that there is a guy out there who could ever love a girl who has panic attacks on occasion? I saw those stares that day that it happened, and they told me the obvious, the truth that I think I may have known all along:No. Why have someone who isn't right in the head or heart, who doesn't look very good to begin with, who is a known slob, who has no idea how a real female acts and who spends most of her days dreaming and whining? Why would you, when you could have another Welfare High girl or some girl from a nearby shitty high school? The type who knows how to look and act good, who is endlessly devoted and willing to do anything. I find myself dreaming of being like that, of having a true life of my own and I just can't seem to get there. I feel like I am so far from what I want and like it's all my fault. I feel like being born this way is just a fucking excuse and I don't know how to change myself into a beautiful perfect girl who could be the kind you find yourself actually wanting to see.
Yeah, I know that it is possible to like someone else when you're going out with someone, but I just know that he really loves this girl. I don't want him liking me, I can pretend that I do all I want, but I can't ask for that. I can't ask for that from anyone unless I know that they truly care for me. I thought about him all night last night and it just seems so fucking futile. I convinced myself that the time that he stared at me in class, he might have thought I was cute and that time that he was sitting really close to me, it was because he wanted to and not because I was the one who had the music stand. I'm really good at doing this, too, but I just can't believe he could like me now. I don't think he deserves to be with someone like me, because I'm just a bitch sometimes and my life is so all over the place, I'm so all over the place. I would love to be loved, especially by him, but he has his world and I have mine and they won't meet. I don't think I will have a date for the Prom that I actually like, it will just be old standby Perscocho, who should be going anyway. I think I'll ask him that tomorrow, just so I don't have to think about the whole fucking thing anymore. I'll probably end up paying for him, but at least it's company of some sort.
I guess I should wait for college to be in love, but I'm very impatient with these types of things, and I probably will end up forcing something awful to happen if I keep acting like the total shithead I have been lately. Yes, I am swearing a ton and I know that is bad. I might call up Carbon and just tell her this, I would like someone of sound mind to hear me, though I know she will be clinging to the wall when I call, Lexapro makes her really hyper. I don't think it's good that she's taking it though, she doesn't seem depressed to me. At least I rationalized the whole thing out of me. Bye.
*Racecar*
<< Sunday, Oct. 26, 2003@4:18 p.m.>>