I'm having one of those nights when I really hate myself. I never seem to be able to do what I want, it just seems impossible right now. My Dad got mad at me, and I really don't feel like writing about it, and then my Grandma called me a baby beecause I was crying and I'm crying now. I just hate myself, I don't have anyone to hang out with on Friday nights, and what the fuck is there to do in Rhode Island? Oh, let's go to the mall, let's see the dumb movie that came out this week. It just seems like there are no really great things to do. I don't want to go to Grandma's tomorrow, I'm going to try and apply at two more places for a job and try to find some group to hang out with at school.
I just hate myself, and I don't know how much more I can say it or write it or think it. I'm just so sick of myself, so sick of being quiet, of not liking what everyone else likes, of not going out on Friday or Saturday nights and not really wanting to. I'm sick of never having a best friend who I can be close to for a long period of time. I really just want someone my age to talk to, who likes some of the things that I do. I just want something to kill the person that is inside of me right now because I hate her. I'm so sick of crying, of only knowing how to make people mad instead of happy. I never seem to know how to make people like me, to make them smile and think I'm cool. I feel like I'm constantly stuck in a child like state. Maybe that's why I want to be a guitar player.
I really want to give up, because I don't want to live here anymore. I want to leave this state and move to New York City. I want to go and see Broadway plays and go to the museums there, because there are only two in Rhode Island. I want to meet a nice looking guy who really likes me and wants to stand by me even through the tough times and friends like him. I want people who understand that I don't like parties or party music and who don't really like that stuff either. I want to be around people who love me, a family that's not related, because I think families are just stupid. Mine makes me feel bad about myself and they always make me feel like I don't fit in because I'm the youngest and I still like weird stuff that they don't like.
Does that kind of life really exist? Am I crazy? Am I an antisocial baby? Will anything that I want ever come true? Am I chasing an impossible dream? Should I just stick to what I know, even if it's not what I like? It seems like everytime I try and chase down something that means the world to me, I always end up getting disconnected from it or ending up further away than I was before. I just really hate myself right now and I don't want to be me anymore. I hate my name (my real one), I hate the way I look and I hate the way that I am. I want to change but I don't know how to do it. I dont know if anything that I want is really possible and I just wanted to write this in hopes that it would all get out of my head. I didn't want to write in my other diary because I have no idea if it is even there or not. I have to play my guitar now.
*Racecar*
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