I haven't updated in forever and I'm sorry about that. I've been kind of addicted to Facebook games and being a lazy pain in the ass.
My senior recital for school is coming up and I hate it. I honestly don't want to do it, since it's a big reminder of how I've kind of blown through school. I haven't really made any friends there, and I haven't had the chance to really learn all the things I should know. Yet I am trying to get out of there as fast as I can, not because of how long I've been there, but because of how long I've been in college in general.
So, needless to say, when the best guitar player in school kind of chews me out about the whole fiasco with my violin miniatures last month, I feel really bad. It wasn't my fault, but I could tell I made him mad. Part of me has always been mad at him, because whenever I want to play my own music, he always ends up being the one who gets to play it. Everyone in the school thinks he is the best guitarist there, and he is. Heck, him kind of chewing me out for being so laid back and lazy proves it. If I was a real musician, I would be playing guitar right now, not writing in some online diary. I wouldn't watch Sgt. Frog while working on my finger exercises. I wouldn't play my pieces four times and be done with them. It's my sloppiness in playing that has gotten me here.
Yet, I can't deny that I'm not jealous of him. He was the one I took lessons with for a while when I first started at URI, because the guitar teacher at the time thought it would help, which it really didn't. Though it wasn't this boy's fault. Still, I ended up resenting him for being two years younger than me, and yet better than me. Not to mention for actually remembering me from high school.
I don't like him in that way, and I couldn't, he's way too perfect. Heck, even Fakir sometimes feels way too perfect for someone like me. They are both head and shoulders above me as a musician, and probably even as a composer. Sometimes, it feels like they are even better people than I am.
I don't even want to go back to school. I don't want to go there and realize what a horrible guitar player I am. How disorganized I am, how friendless I am. How awkward I am with the other students, how odd I feel. Not to mention this whole recital is just a big sham. No one would want to go to it, no one even likes my music, and I've never supported any of my fellow students, so I honestly don't deserve their support. I wouldn't be mad at any of them for not going, and I don't really want them to go because I'll feel guilty if they do. Heck, I don't even want my Dad to go, because he has had to support me all these years, and I might amount to nothing at all. I mean, at least I'm not a serial killer or something, but I know I'm nowhere near the perfect daughter. I hate making him drive my Grandma and R around. I don't even think that they would want to be there anyway. R will just ask when is it going to be over? Grandma will bitch that it's too cold, or too hot, or why I'm not going out with the piano player (she likes pianists).
I just feel so guilty for putting things on people and not taking on anything myself. I never do help anyone out, but no one really asks me, either. The most I get at school is indifference, which I don't really mind too much. Then again, there are some people at school that I really, truly care about. I hate for them to think that I don't care at all, I hate that I think they don't care for me at all. I mean, to be honest, I don't really mind indifference, but there are some people there that don't like me at all, and I don't even know why. I just wish things could've been different with everyone. Not just Fakir, but all the kids at school. I wish I could ask Bunny to play clarinet again for me and not feel awkward, or even angry.
For those of you that don't know, I made a CD for Bunny last year for Valentine's Day. It was a bunch of songs that made me think of him, regardless of whether they fit our situation or not (which was just acquaintances, there really aren't a lot of songs about that). He rejected me, and we haven't really talked since then. I don't want to ask him to play for me because of that, and because his senior recital is a week after mine. Still, I shouldn't be so afraid to talk to him, since he is a nice guy, whether I portray him as that or not. Be aware, you are seeing things through my eyes when you read this, and I'm not always right, I could often be wrong. I feel like I've villainized Bunny and part of me knows it's not true. I don't know why, but I am still mad at him, even though that was almost a damn year ago. It's not right for me to be mad, and I don't know why I am. I was hoping I would be able to move on, and while I do like Fakir, there is a part of me that is still disappointed in Bunny for not giving me a chance. But I shouldn't be. I wasn't open with him, I wasn't honest with him, and so when he saw the slightest sliver of how I really felt, it scared him. These things wouldn't scare me, but having an odd childhood has desensitized me to most things.
I just wanted to write because I'm feeling kind of bad. I wish that March 5th would come and go already, but I don't think it will. At least not soon enough. Once it does, I can go back to being underachieving Duck, instead of the awesome Rukia I've been pretending to be for so long (and failing at).-*Duck*, but wishing I was *Rukia* (this sounds like a bad letter in an advice column, doesn't it?)
<< Friday, Jan. 15, 2010@11:25 p.m.>>