I'm feeling kind of bothered tonight and I don't even know why. I actually had a kind of shoddy day. I bought the wrong book online for school, so I have to return it, but they charge shipping to return it, so I don't get all my money back. Then I ended up buying the right book at the bookstore, which means I paid too much for it. I also nearly hit a car this morning because the cars going into the parking lot at school stopped for about five minutes for no real reason. They usually only stop for a minute or a few seconds, so I wasn't prepared to fully stop. Man, it was so embarrassing the way my brakes squealed away. I was relieved when they guy I almost hit didn't park in the same parking lot as me. I know how aggressive people can be when driving, and I worried he/she would yell at me for nearly hitting them. Not to mention I haven't had an accident in over three years and I would really like to keep it that way.
On the other hand, I did manage to plow through my day okay, despite getting up at 5:30 am and never taking a nap and only having one Coke. I didn't even really eat much today, which I was also proud of. I've been eating a lot of sweets lately and it's bad. I really want to lose weight so I'll look nice. I know this is odd, but one of my dreams all my life has been to wear a bikini and maybe get my belly button pierced. But I can't do either of those if I look like a blimp (not that there aren't girls who dress like that regardless, but I don't want to be one of those types who shows her body even if it's not in good shape). I want to look good because Fakir looks good, and it's not fair to him if I'm yucky looking and he's hot. It's not totally for him though, honest. Or else I doubt I would do it at all, since I'll only see him once or twice a week this semester, if I'm lucky.
Most of my classes are late at night or general education classes that he's not in. His ex is in my writing class, which is odd. I'm kind of jealous of her, which is stupid because it's not like she's going out with him now. I guess it's because she got the chance to do something I might never get the chance to do.
Not to mention everyone is talking about love lately. It seems as though everyone I know is hurting for love in some fashion or another. Nad is upset because he doesn't have anyone, his girlfriend dumped him around Christmas (I think it was Christmas Eve, actually). Still, I imagine he will find someone else. R thinks he might like me, but I think it is obvious that he sees me as a little sister type, since I'm the same age as his real little sister and all. Even R is a little upset, though I think it's because our mutual friend (though more hers than mine), Dasher (Dancer's sister, hence the name) is upset. Dasher doesn't have a boyfriend, but likes this snooty guy at her church, who doesn't like her in the same way. I don't like this guy, his handshake was like shaking hands with a marble statue, so cold and hard and formal. I could just tell he was uptight, overly so. I don't get why she is so upset over him, but R is a bit insensitive. I think Dasher knows he doesn't like her, but it still hurts, and until she finds someone else, it will be a while until she is fully herself again.
Which brings me back to myself. I realized the other day the only guy I really like is Fakir. I can't even name off the top of my head, or even with a lot of thought, anyone else I'm even attracted to. Which I find kind of sad. I mean, I doubt things will happen the way I want them to, because they never have before. In a way, I am so focused on my senior recital for school (which is about five weeks away), that I have no time to think about love or Valentine's Day. Except for when my friends bring it up, or I'm out shopping, which is more often that I thought possible.
Still, another Valentine's Day alone is okay with me. I mean, yeah, it sucks to be alone, but I don't want to be with a guy I'd have to babysit, either. I want to be with someone I can care about and who can care about me. But I'm not sure I've found him yet.
Anyway, this other person I know is also kind of upset about the same thing. What is with all this love stuff lately? It seems like everyone is starved for love. It sucks, because it seems like one of the last things anyone on this Earth should be starved for. Food and love are two things we should always be full of. I'm not sure how it works out that some of us find tons of love while others find none, especially since some of those I know who have none in their lives are even more amazing than some of the ones who do.
Anyway, I wrote another poem and I wanted to leave it here. It might not be in great shape, but it's just how I am feeling towards a few people right now. I hate seeing people lonely, I wish I could make robot people for them, since I'm often not the solution to other people's love problems. I don't have a title for this once, actually.
A cold heart
Is there no feeling?
No warm blood,
In the hardened veins?
Turn to whisper those sweet words
With lips locked so tight
No one hears your calls
A songbird
Singing to dead air
Seeing you,
I fall apart
The one who
Made me new
Torn asunder
I want to hold you
Sing sweet words of love
See your glowing smile
Feel your warm heart beat
But you won't sing for me
Can't sing for me
Why don't I understand?
My heart still stops for you
No matter what I do
Please sing me a song,
Sweet songbird
Let me help you
Find a love
To sing your song, too. Good night, everyone!-*Rukia*
<< Tuesday, Jan. 26, 2010@12:39 a.m.>>