Looks like everyone is out on Friday night. I was out all day today, so I'm glad to be in. My party was okay, until around last night. We had been watching "One Hour Photo", which everyone thought was pretty good. Then, Hydrogen decides she wants to call Mr. Taco, FiFi does, with MY phone and they order $31 worth of food by mistake, because they didn't realize they should write what they WANT down first. Dumbass!
When we get the money (I pay $12, when my meal only cost $6) and come back from getting the food, it's time for "Punch Drunk Love" aka- the movie I picked out. They start talking about sex, FiFi talks dirt about my Dad and bascially makes ME feel uncomfortable in MY house! I started crying, because all I wanted to do was eat and watch my movie, and I could do neither, because no one would shut up, or stop talking about such disgusting shit. I went into my room and played guitar by myself and listened to rock music. I felt like my house was being taken over by everyone else, and no one wanted to be in the room with me.
Eventually, Carbon came in, as did Dancer, FiFi (who quickly left every time she came in) and Boron. Carbon and I played guitar together, while Dancer looked at my yearbook. FiFi and Boron went to bed in the living room. Carbon and I then watched parts of the movie and went to bed.
In the morning, Boron and FiFi woke up first, and were going to wake us up as well. I thought that was rude, because if someone wants to sleep, they should be allowed to, unless they have to go somewhere, or in Carbon's case, where she has to take her pill before 10 in the morning. Then, FiFi made a call on speakerphone to Mr. Lambchops, which I didn't understand. We weren't allowed to say a word, which pissed me off, because when I wanted everyone to be quiet, they wouldn't shut up, but for her, they did. I didn't even understand their conversation, it was about hickeys and shit. She's such a whore sometimes, I swear.
Then, I wanted to watch the rest of my movie w/Carbon. We went into my room, and FiFi follows me, asking me to set up "8 Mile". I do, but it makes me mad because I feel like the maid of the house. Then, she puts it so fucking loud, that I can't hear my movie, in my room, with the doors closed, over hers. I told her to turn it down, made several comments about it, but it was too loud for the whole time.
When the movie ended, Carbon and I talked, and we went in the computer room. The movie was STILL too loud, but we tried to play The Sims and stuff. I then tried to turn on my Playstation 2, but it wouldn't turn on, and the light was off. The last person playing it was FiFi's brother, who she thrust upon me yesterday. It made me really mad, and I stormed in there and yelled. It costs $200, and you know what? I didn't want anybody fucking with it. She comes in, and I go out. I yelled about how I felt. It seemed like everything in me was coming up. All the frustration and anger over the past tweleve hours had filled up too much, and I just didn't know what to do. No one would listen to me before.
FiFi started yelling at me, and it only provoked me more. We were shouting at each other, and she said that she couldn't put up with me because of the way I was. It pissed me off, I know I have problems, but she is NO Ms. Perfect. It's not like she didn't bother me with suicide attempts and break ups. Did I bitch and scream at her? No. No one else was yelling at me, either. It just made me worse, and I kept trying to call everyone, but no one was around.
I tried to call my Grandma's friend, and I swear I did, but she didn't recognize me, because one of her friends was calling and saying she was me. I tried to tell her, but my breathing was so screwed up everything came out like a bunch of words mixed with hiccups. FiFi left right away, with her mother, who I swear is going to bend down and kiss her ass someday. Anyway, Boron left with her. Carbon talked to me, and so did Dancer. I cried and apologized for everything.
Then, the cops came, because the person I called had called them, and thought I was going to kill myself. I said that my life was over, but I didn't mean that. I meant that all my friends were going to abandon me because of what was going on and I would be alone again, with no one to talk to, all alone like always. I explained this to them, and Boron's mom came back, and I went with her after Carbon and Dancer left. I stayed at Boron's house for a while, until I went to guitar lessons. It seemed like even the teacher knew something was wrong, though I didn't tell him. I guess it's just something about me that's broadcasting it.
I feel like a liar to you all now. I've never told anyone about my problems, because I feel that they'll leave me if I do. I don't want to be alone and abandoned like I was in the last few years of elementary and middle school. I can't take that, I can't sit in my room every night and day, wondering whether I'm even human because no one wants to talk to me. I don't want to have this problem anymore, I seriously mean it. I gave myself a bad headache and some black and blues today, and I might have lost some of my friends. I don't care anymore about FiFi, she's just too controlling, and I need to tell her that I can't put up with her anymore. She acts like my house is her's, but it's not.
I just worry that this problem has ruined my future. It's why I don't have a boyfriend, why I'm shy, and why I have low self confidence. Everyone leaves after I do that kind of thing, and they never come back. I just don't want that, and I feel the only way to deal with it is to just let everyone get what they want from me. In truth, I want things to be even, to get my way sometimes, too. I don't want to be used.
I worry that no one could ever understand me or love me, because of the way I am. I feel like I'm such a freak, and like I have to apologize for it. I don't know if that will ever stop, either. I feel like I've let so many people down with this problem, I don't want to be like my mom. I just want friends and family, I want a guy who loves me, but won't pressure me into things. I know that's all hard to get sometimes, at least for me, but it's the only thing I can honestly say I want in my future, and that I dream about. It is my dream, along wtih being a musician. I'm not sure if any of that will ever be a reality, though.
That's the story I needed to tell, and it's as close to the truth as I, being biased towards myself, can get. It may not be all truth, but those events did happen. I feel like I let everyone down, mostly myself. I know I shouldn't be so upset, but I feel like this doesn't bode well for the future, it never does. Bye.
*Racecar*
<< Friday, Jun. 27, 2003@8:03 p.m.>>