I feel like such a loser today, and I'm not sure if it's because I've been watching too much MTV, where every girl is a fucking spoiled brat, or if I really am just a loser. All I know is, I have incredibly bad luck for any human being. Let me put it this way, I hit into a fucking tree with my car while making an appointment to get my car fixed. Now the bumper is gone and the light that fell out won't go back in, like every other fucking light in that damn bumper. There's also a dent in it and the paint is scraped off and needs to be redone. I have the paint and my Dad could do it, but I'm sure that the light that fell out is busted and needs to be reordered and it will take a fucking week to come in at least, like everything else I order.
It would have fucking helped if he had ordered rotors like I asked. I have been asking him for two fucking weeks to get the rotors he wants so bad for a car he drive and then throws his garbage in. I am driving on rust, there's at least an inch of rust on the rotors on my car and everytime I break, the car shakes like a recovering addict who got his last fix hours ago. I did at least make the appointment for Thursday, though we were supposed to go to my mother's grave.
I don't get why it is all the way in Woonsocket, which is about an hour from my house. I don't even know the name of the cemetary or how to get there, it's some French cemetary, which is weird because my Mom always pretended she was British (my last name is British, though my family's been here for about three hundred years). I don't think I'll ever be able to go there on my own, and I'm not sure if I want to. I still have nightmares that she is alive and everytime she beats me up. It makes me c ry just thinking how mother's day is coming up, and every girl is getting stuff for her mom, and even other girls with dead moms aren't having nightmares like mine, at least I don't know any.
I went to the other doctor today and he said that same thing the first doctor said, so I'm not really sure why I brought it up at all. I figured this would happen, so now I am going to try getting off the patch and see how it goes. Either way I end up feeling like a pregnant woman, I either don't get my period, or I lactate and I'd really like to be normal again and do neither because it's not fun to spend so much on a bra only to have to bleach it every week and wash it all the time. I was hoping there would be some kind of solution, a pill I could take or something. There's a pill I could take that would regulate my period that's not like the pill, which is what I would probably end up taking. I feel like such a loser realizing that I have no need for the patch or the pill outside of getting my period, with the way the media and people my age in general think about sex so much, it makes me wonder when the hell I'll even kiss a guy.
I just am so hell bent on perfection with myself and everything in my life. I want to have nice stuff but I can't keep it nice. I can't even keep a good friend for very long and I'm just mad at myself. I would do anything for help right now because this just isn't working. I've been hitting myself so hard lately that I could feel it in my head for hours afterward. I hate the way I feel like people only tell me I'm pretty to be nice and they don't mean it. There aren't any guys out there that think I'm pretty and I just want one of them to. I have this deep down feeling that I'm not doing what I should be doing with my life and that I'm headed down the wrong path. I don't think I'll make it into a good college anymore, either, I don't even feel smart anymore. I shouldn't compare myself to others and their progress, but I want so badly to be normal and happy.
I'm going to take a nap now, I need to escape from reality. Bye.
*Racecar*
<< Monday, May. 08, 2006@5:01 p.m.>>