I have been writing in this diary for four years today. I honestly don't think I imagined that I would still be writing in here and not in my Guy 4's Altoids Tin diary, but that thing is a mess. I hope to keep it somewhere, to be honest with you, I don't have a real diary that I write in every night that I keep under my bed or anything. All I have is this and my other diary, my older one. Today also would have been my Mom's 56th birthday, which is weird because I couldn't imagine my Mom being that old anyway. It's weird to remember it even when she isn't around anymore, it makes me feel like I should be doing something when I can't. I probably should bring some flowers to her grave, but it isn't in town and I would rather go with my Dad because I don't know my way around Woonsocket at all, though he doesn't, either. I have no idea why she is buried there, because I know my Dad is probably going to be buried in Coventry with my Grandma and Grandpa (his parents, I never knew either of my Grandpas). Is it weird for two people to be married when one dies and yet for them to not be buried together? I find it weird, it's one of those things that makes me think my parents didn't love each other.
Today was kind of shitty. I really hate New England weather with a passion. It was very windy and warm today, and every ghetto shithead was at school, too. I'm parking out near the damn woods now, past the island that is near the final twenty feet of parking space. I hate parking way out because it's a long walk to and from there and ghetto shitheads have no manners. I really wish college wasn't considered a "have to do" thing because then there wouldn't be so many idiots there for no reason, who are just taking up space. There wouldn't be as much pressure to go on time and get out on time, I could take a semester off and not worry. I could not go to college at all (I honestly think that was my dream) and just move to New York already, get some shit job and start a cool little punk band like I want to. Instead I am living in a shit town where the lines between rich, poor and middle class are so finely drawn, I'm starting to think it says "Poor" somewhere on my face. I hate this town, I hate how everyone here just steps on my house and on my property just because they can. How the cops don't even enforce the speed limits or any law, for that mattter. The whole drunk driving law is a joke in this state, you can drive wasted and if you have a good lawyer (and everyone does because half the people in the state are lawyers) you can get away with it.
I'm just bummed out like I always am. I feel in over my head at school and like I don't matter to anyone in my life. I don't honestly know what I want to do with my life, but it's not what I am doing, that's for sure. I want to move away so bad, I hate living in a state with nothing, no culture, no amusement parks, no nice concert halls, nothing. No one in this state attempts to even do that, Providence is a shithole and will always be a shithole because no one wants to compete with Boston or New York. To be fair, Boston and New York seem like two of the best cities around, though I'm not sure if that's true. All I know is, I want to move to either one of them (probably New York) and go see plays, go to museums, libraries and other places that the community there actually cares about. No one cares about that stuff in RI, especially in a town where the town hall and the library share the building and have done so since the seventies. They'll never make the library bigger, or the post office nicer. They'll never do us all a favor and burn down the town hall becuase nothing good comes out of it. Yeah, I'm frustrated.
I feel very overwhelmed with Harmony and Improv 2 and I worry I won't do good, but I need to at least stay in the class whether I like it or not, I know two kids, one of whom was really smarter than me, are skipping out on it until next spring. I feel weird for doing it because the two other guys are really good at the class and now that it's three of us, my mistakes are going to be magnified, but it will also be easier for me to get help. I have to get ready to go to work and to maybe look at some stuff I have to do for Harmony and Improv. Bye!
*Racecar*
<< Wednesday, Jan. 18, 2006@3:48 p.m.>>