It says it's been two weeks since I last posted on here, but it feels like a million years. Not that much has gone on, I've had a few bad weeks, really, and I haven't had the time to really write about them, or even the desire to.
I did bad on a quiz in Orchestration class and two labs for my Astronomy class, which sucked because she gave us one lab as we were handing in the first one. So I didn't get to see that I did the first one wrong until after I handed in the second one, which is why I did bad on both of them. I have to do some extra credit which I'm going to hand in on Monday, not to mention I have to go school early on Monday to go to a planetarium showing, which we can also get extra credit for (I wish I had gone this week, since you can go twice and get 20 points, but this Monday is the last one, which I didn't know until I went to class).
I've been so stressed about it and all the other homework that I have coming up (one Orchestration project on Monday, which is pretty much done, rehearsals for my composition, a paper due for Chorus, the Christmas concert at school, my guitar jury, the extra credit for Astronomy, the ushering for Convocation). This is the time of year when I start to unravel big time. Not to mention work is going to be open an hour later because of Christmas, and this weekend I'm working four long days in a row, one of which I will have to get up at 4:30 am for (Sunday's shift). It makes me nervous when I think about it, and I'm probably going to skip working out on Sunday, or only do a half hour. Not that I didn't break my diet big time today, like everyone else.
Thinking about Thanksgiving made me think about next year as well, and where I'll be. I still have no idea what I will do when I graduate, because it's never been this close to me before, and now that there is truly nothing after this, I'm frightened.
I even had a horrible dream the other night, which I told my Dad about, but I'll write it here as well, since it reflects how I've been feeling lately. I was in the mall with my Dad, and there were all stairs instead of escalators. Yet, there were no railings of any kind, not even on the floors themselves. So, if you slipped or something, you could easily fall and die or get seriously injured. My Dad wasn't worried about this at all, but I was having serious panic attacks. I was so afraid that I kept running into stores the minute I got on the next floor. I would curl up into a ball and being sobbing like there was no tomorrow. I ended up getting kicked out of every store for being a nuisance. I eventually ended up in this room, where there was a white couch. My Mom was there, and she was reading some kind of book. I talked to her, telling her about college, and how I work so much that I have no time for friends, even though there are some people at school that I think are really awesome and I want to be around them. She seemed very calm, not like her at all. She told me things that calmed me down (also very out of character for her). She was writing down a phone number, telling me to call this person who knew me when I was younger, telling me that this person loved me and missed me. It was real number, too, but not one that I recognized, I think it was a New York number. My alarm went off before she could finish talking, but it was just so odd. I didn't know whether to feel frightened or calmed by the dream, and it kind of haunted me all day.
It was so odd to see my Mom in a dream where she wasn't mad at me, too. Ever since she died, I've had dreams where she is secretly still alive, as if my Dad would lie to me about her death or something. In those dreams, she is always very angry at me for being a bad daughter, for forgetting her, for not going to her grave very often (I don't even really know how to get there myself, to be honest, it's about forty minutes away from my house, in a town she hadn't lived in since she was in her twenties). She's mad because I say bad things about her when Dad and I talk about her, how I blame her for things, how I wonder what life would've been like if someone else was my Mom. She's even tried to strangle me in my sleep, I usually get incredibly nervous when she's in my dreams. I don't know what it means, though I sometimes think that I really miss the idea of a mom, but not her, since I don't think she could've ever been the mother that I wanted her to be. Which really isn't fair for me to want if it wasn't something she was capable of.
Still, these past two weeks have been sucky for me. I've been tired and grumpy and I have a rash on my hands from work. It's getting worse, though it looks a bit better now. I'm not sure if it's because I'm using all kinds of creams, getting more sleep, or if my stress level is going down at all. I really hope they don't get worse over the next four days.
I did have one good day, which was Sunday. I had to get up early for work, which sucked, and work was kind of crappy since the woman I worked with was bossy. Still, I had a concert at school not long after work. I had to go home, get dressed and drive over there, but it wasn't so bad.
I got there early and walked into the biggest classroom near the concert hall, tuning up my guitar and trying to figure out where I was supposed to be (our teacher told us to be there for six, and then showed up at six fifteen). Fakir came in not long after I did, and I got to talk to him and see him play piano. He's the type who will play around with the piano if no one is using it. He's not a pianist, but I think that he was able to test out of piano classes, so he must be pretty good. He heard another guitar player playing a Beatles song, and he started playing along with him, even though the guitarist was in the hallway.
Bunny came in while he was playing and I was tuning, and I have to admit, I clammed up. The clarinet players all came in not long after him, so I left and stood near the two guitar players that had shown up before me. Fakir soon came out, too, and he was playing his trombone. It was cute to see him play, and he looked all guilty when he had to walk over towards me, because I was near the garbage and he had to clean out his spit valve. I don't know why, but I thought it was cute (I think you'd have to see the way his face looked to understand, I wonder if I sound creepy). There was this girl who came in before we left the room though, and for a minute, I thought my heart must've skipped a few beats. She went right up to Fakir and kissed him on the cheek, though she did the same to Bunny, so I didn't feel weird.
I had to admit I was jealous. I want to kiss Fakir on the cheek, too. I even stayed until the end of the concert (the guitar group was on third) to see the trombone group play. There must've been twenty trombone players on stage, but they were quite good. I think my favorite might have been the Bach ensemble, which was a pianist, violinist and oboe player playing a Bach suite. Though I really liked the flute ensemble, too. I managed to do a good job with the guitar group, though I had my stand too far over for the first piece, I moved it over for the other two, and I even managed to move around a bit while I played.
Don't ask why that was the highlight of my week so far. Not that today was bad, I slept in, watched Bleach, did homework, ate a good meal with my Dad and went to go see the Fantastic Mr. Fox, which I liked (though my Dad didn't, but he wanted to go see Old Dogs, so his taste in movies is very questionable). Anyway, it is getting late and tomorrow will be a long, tiring and frustrating day for me (at least I imagine), so I'm going to try and go to bed now. Not to mention my Dad is going out tomorrow night and will be home late, and the dogs probably won't let me sleep until he's safely home (I'm not kidding, they bark at every little noise when one of us isn't home). Good night.-*Rukia* (though my friend Renesmee has taken to calling me Duck).
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