I'm frustrated right now because the writing group I attempted to start is FINALLY having a meeting in the library. Except NOBODY is coming except the same people who showed up when we were meeting at the Barnes and Noble (that is to say, me and this girl who is the co-founder). R was supposed to come, but all of the sudden she's like "American Idol comes on at 8 and I HAVE to be home to watch it." I'm so sick of her shit. I'm sick of her saying she is serious about writing when she does jack shit with it. She's not serious AT ALL. I don't think she even shows anyone her writing and she often talks about how she deletes her work and doesn't keep any of it.
I'm just so sick of her acting like she is some writing big shot because she majored in English at a community college. I could've done that, too. In fact, I could've probably majored in English at URI if I'd put my nose to the grindstone. I'm not saying I'm super serious about writing myself, but I don't constantly say that I am and then have actions that say otherwise.
I try to work at being a musician, but I rarely try and give myself the title of composer or guitar player. I'm not that great at those things and I don't work hard enough at them, I know that. I accept it, too.
I guess I'm just frustrated. I gave up on the dating website, but it sucked to ask Nad if he would come to my open mic night and then he told me he was going out with his girlfriend. There was no one I knew at my open mic night, and it kind of sucked. I did okay and I managed to play all my songs and get a bit of applause and talk to those around me. So I guess I should be happy about that.
I just feel so alone, like no one is supporting me in my endeavors. Not to mention I'm getting antsy and frustrated about not having a boyfriend again, as always. Seriously, read the way older entries from when I'm 16 years old and you'll see the same garbage. The only thing that seems to have changed is that I'm typing on an Apple laptop now at 12 am instead of on an old PC at 3 am. I guess I'm getting to be an old lady.
I'm just tired of waiting for everything. I thought once I got into college that the waiting would stop. I'd find a nice guy I could like who'd have things in common with me and not be a total jackass. Not only that, but I'd find friends that I have things in common with, too. Still, I have no idea what's going on. I don't feel as though my friends support me or even have much in common with me.
I mean, I kind of forced R and Mrs. Black to watch anime with me. Even Nad watched Parks and Rec with me after I told him how much I loved it. I kind of feel bad for that, because I don't know that any of them would love that stuff as much as I do. I'd just like to be able to fangirl over something with someone else for a change, instead of having to explain my tastes to everyone.
I don't think there has been a day in my life that I've fit in with those around me. I sometimes wonder if a place like that exists.
I miss Mrs. Black a lot, too. I know it's really stupid, but I miss having someone who would hang out with me and we could do whatever I wanted. My other friends always seem to have ideas about what they want to do, and they're almost always kind of boring stuff. I want to walk around East Greenwich and look at all the cute shops, or go into the comic book store and browse the manga selection. I want to go to Boston and walk around the Common. There's so much I want to do, but no one to really do any of that with. I'm not sure if it would look weird for me to do things alone. Not to mention I have a hard time talking to people when I'm alone, though it's not as bad as it was.
I'm not even sure how to find others with similar interests. None of this is easy. In all honesty, something is telling me that I should focus on my music more, since that is an outlet for me. Though writing is as well. Also, I feel as though I need to try and get out of RI, though I am still not sure where I will go, but probably some place that is good for music.
Also, I have a big headache and I feel super fat right now because I didn't work out so I could go to bed early. And look how that turned out. Good night. *Duck* (who feels like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man right now)
<< Saturday, May. 21, 2011@11:34 p.m.>>